If you look from the side, the actions of the mother and child mirror each other. The child cries, swings, hits his mother, he can not help it, despite requests and explanations, and mom does the same thing. The only difference is that then my mother developing burning and difficult to endure guilt. br>
What happens to the mother at this point? Let's deal. br>
When the child says “no” and begins to insist on his own, the mother loses the ability to do his what he wants. It causes anger, in order to obtain the desired, which is in General a normal and natural response to external resistance. In the category of “abnormal” the situation translates the fact that it is not clear how to handle my own anger. br>
What else is going on inside mum? Plans are crumbling, the expectations are not met. At first it causes confusion, then anger again, and finally, the anguish and despair of hopes that now everything will happen the way I imagine myself. br>
And there are a lot of fears. For the future of the child. For what will not be normal and will not learn to behave in society. Because it will be difficult with people and therefore will not be successful. Will not get a good education. Become a janitor or worse, a criminal, “anti-social element”. br>
Anger, despair, sadness, fear - the rejection of these emotions and inability to handle them an acceptable way, i.e. without destroying the relationship with the child - that is the basis of the breakdowns. br>
Mom takes off this time from an adult position and she becomes a child. br>
here can help?
the Main and most important thing is to recognize the situation as such. Internally to admit, “ Yes, I'm acting like a child.” br>
Why is this critical? Because of the state of the child-the child cope with tantrums and meltdowns of their own is impossible. Someone in this pair should switch the toggle switch and start acting “grown-up”. br>
we Usually turn to the child and ask him to “calm down” “don't cry”, “please be quiet”, ie in fact become one of for adults the child, who is still not ready mentally and physically. br>
But common sense tells us that no matter how bad the mother is, after all, the resources to pull myself together and pereklyuchitjsya on the role of the adult more at mom's. Speaking in favor of this at least knowledge of the physiology of the Central nervous system and psychology. What mom has matured in the brain structures responsible for will and self-control, and still no baby. br>
so, the first thing to do in this situation is to keep track of what role I communicate with a child and make a choice in favor of another role. br>
In the time of hysteria it happens like this: “So, what happens now? My Sasha, now doesn't want to get out of bed and to dress myself. What do I do? Yelling at him that we're late and need to hurry. I'm freaking out like a child. Stop. The two of us adult I. What can I do in order to get out of the house?”.
In the second stage, even from an Adult position, you must apply to your own feelings. “I'm mad at Sasha because of the fact that he's not doing all what I expected. This is normal. He does as I want and I'm angry. And he doesn't want to go into the garden for some reason and it refuses to get up. This is also a normal situation. We shall understand.” br>
In this case the role of the Adult helps to recognize the existence of their own negative emotions and give them the right to exist. Because of this we closer to understanding the experiences and the child's desire to do his will, in this case to stay with mom and sleeping in. br>
Why is it so important? br>
Because without exploring own feelings, it is impossible to recognize them in the child and speak with compassion and curiosity instead of blame, punishment and recriminations. br>
unfortunately, many adults own feelings frozen, because a child was not welcomed of their manifestation. Needed to be comfortable and not make life difficult for parents. br>
So now it's so hard to talk to children about their own anger, resentment sadness and fears. In the relations with children we seem to continue to be “frozen” and you have to melt the ice of misunderstanding. br>
When the mother admits her feelings - anger, disappointment, frustration, fear and realizes that she is now bad for these feelings, she may somewhere “to bring”. For example, to work with a psychologist. Or ask for support from loved ones. You can become a Parent herself, and mentally herself to pity and sympathize, because this is what I want, when all flies in tar-Tarara and goes according to plan. Sympathy to himself fills the soul mothers online and helps to communicate with the child. br>
And the baby and I need to talk about feelings, to understand the causes of the bad behavior and correct the situation. br>
About what to say and how to do it, I will tell in his lecture “How to turn off a tantrum child” in the mom - forum on 25 November. the
in the meantime, it is important to prepare yourself for this conversation and to adjust itself to the perception of the feelings of the child, to recognize the existence of this reality and not be afraid to get in touch with her. br>
I Hope this article helped a little to understand themselves and to understand in what direction to move in order to learn how to keep yourself and communicate with your children without shouting. I'm happy to answer questions in the comments.
Anna Kolesov
a Practicing psychologist
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