Yesterday I passed over the bridge of Lovers and saw cut the locks. The air was shaken by the screeching of saws and the rattle of metal. Rusty and all new and shiny "Mary Oleg", "Seva+Lena", "Leroy and Ivan love is forever" falling into the container.
It was very different from what is happening on the same bridge three days earlier. White cloud wedding dresses the bride floating along the curtained locks, fences, choosing a place for his happiness. Elegant groom gently holds her by the elbow and busily handing out orders to the busy photographer. In the hands of the witness flaunts a silk pillow with a Golden padlock. Now their lips will fly words of love, embarrassed kiss, and gentle fingers will throw the key into the river.
When I see on the street a wedding ceremony, I catch myself thinking that react as a professional psychologist, who has long been a lot of work with married couples. I pray that my services will never need this love and are inspired by each other newlyweds. But every day I meet "yesterday's happy spouses" in his office, and together we solved a long time problem in their relationship.
would you Like to dive from the bridge of love for the key? Scroll back to the wedding video, "Yes", say: "God forbid!" and recoil.
"Forever" does not work?
When the marriage went wrong, people act different . Someone falls into emotional dependence. Someone selfless reworks of her husband or yells – proves - threatening. Others suffer. Some continue to give birth to him, and suddenly change – you will understand – appreciate. Someone adjusted to be as comfortable or worse - becoming a mother to a grown man. All this bad ways.
Luck or
a man and a woman like each other, appreciate, look. Start Dating. There is a love and desire to share the future for two. Flaws are present, and with them the willingness to put up with some. The concentrate of criticality in relation to each other, diluted in various proportions and largely depends on what a person made love.
Creates a married couple and everything attached to that status circumstances - ones that are completely devoid of romance. Relationships take going after strange form, and the partners are open to each other's new faces. Not always aesthetically beautiful and often unexpected. Manifest those qualities, which could not be designated a period of "Dating" or here - "we live together, but without any obligations". Unfortunately, years can't negotiate and find a compromise. And in one not so fine morning you can find next to absolutely other person, not the person with whom it was planned forever. Sorry...
it Happens the same "impossibility" to change partners, his attitude and the circumstances in which he formed his insufferable face. It becomes clear that it was impossible to predict in advance. No luck. Just unlucky. Nothing to add here...
what's next? And further life. She continues. Only without it.
to End a toxic relationship - sometimes the right decision. There's no way out. The door behind them.
And it would be nice to treat it that way, not painting the incident unfortunate tinge of "end of the world", "death" or "failure".
Because the house is built on the Foundation. The Foundation is poured on the prepared soil in the proper place. In a relationship with a partner we both have come some. Our Foundation is character, education, values, parent, achievement, level of aspiration. And then together we sculpted walls, supports, roof, dig the fence, doing finish – build relationships. If you do not like or uncomfortable to alter? . Hard, troublesome, the price you have to pay, but it is possible. To rebuild the home can be anything but the Foundation. With him either lucky or not.
if people Change? I have seen in my office that have changed - the but only if they want. In relations it is impossible to begin to build With Foundation, only TO, because each has his own. And if the Foundation is not lucky, then customized on top will quickly squander and crumble. And it becomes noticeable not at once.
Yes, we choose someone who is well here and now, and then stop. An invisible line. Her foggy area of our beliefs about how we WOULD like tomorrow. "Here and now" stretched to enormous sizes, up to forty years ahead. It's nice, that's comforting. Settling in the chair with sweet tea, we zavorachivaete in a cozy blanket and caressed the happy look of a stack of wedding invitations, fan spread out under the soft light of a table lamp. "All right now, forever..."
Could it be otherwise? Probably, just think about it do not want. Perhaps I really shouldn't. All options do not count. Rather, do not calculate any.
the Only right decision TODAY to embark on a path of development TOGETHER with a loved one, provided that it WANTED TWO.
to Associate or develop?
can Develop anything – relationship, family, personality, social case, we can help develop, partner, and ideally all together. It is a question of our choice. In the development of life. Here we can understand ourselves, to imagine what we want. And about the other is not very clear, especially if he doesn't know what he wants.
But the"link your life" alarming. I'm concerned about the terminology of this nature: "forever and ever", "forever together", "I swear on all my life," "indivisible we," "surrender all," "we are one", "to dissolve in each other". Look at these ideas - the sanctity, uvekovechenii, firmness and Siamese twins. They are afraid of. They have no life, energy, movement, fresh air. Under these concrete slabs man there is no room for desires, for error, and often the ability to be themselves.
Through the chaotic pile of iron locks on the bridge of love and heaps of rusty keys at the bottom of the murky urban river don't break the rays of the sun. This beautiful custom voice of solemn words. What? I asked. The answer is always the same: "Well... accepted. Part of the ceremony. A good photos. As a token of our eternal love." Only can I be sure last?
is There any warranty on eternity? No. It is important not to confuse "guaranty" and "promise". Promise to you: "in sorrow and in joy," and "be faithful" and "loving every year more and harder", and "to take all of our transformed forms, with wrinkles all sorts of" necessary - "to make happy" and the like. But with the safeguards more difficult. Because guarantee, even myself fails.
My friend was getting married. The question flustered friend, "if she was happy in anticipation of things to come", said sincerely: "I'm getting married and I understand – it might not be the only marriage in my life." Wisely. There is a place of peace and inner freedom. And I believe that she will be able to manage if something goes wrong.
this view of their marriage is a conscious choice, for which there were a number of reasons. This idea I do not call. It would be strange on the wedding day to think about what this marriage is just one of the stages of life that may soon end or be the most pleasant and helpful. Of course, it makes no sense to plan a family, as a temporary project.
Right attitude - together, together, amicably, with understanding for many, many years.
And these pairs a lot, I'm very happy about this fact. There is nothing that touches me as an old couple, carefully clinging to the handle. That's what makes sense to work, to aspire to.
the Question is, at what cost to aspire to. Remember the paragraph about "mother" a grown man? Do all marriages possible happy continuation?
If the owner is poor "Foundation" refuses to recognize this fact and engaged in strengthening, building and decorating beautiful homes of relations stops, and the second "Builder" will be pushed into a corner. Angle dark, dusty, sacrificial. How to get out of it? Through pain, suffering, resentment, tears in the eyes of their children. And finally, with a clear understanding about the futility of further action. No luck...
Or war. On the ruins, cutthroat. For that fight? For what cannot be changed. Does this make sense? Still to leave, only to have the "crawling away and spitting blood". And a wounded "soldier" will whisper, "I can't... Useless... Not together..."
But if without the drama?
Sometimes a relationship just runs out, bored and calm. Why disappear in the "rotting swamp"? People are soberly aware of the incompatibility of their "foundations", agree without much emotion and with the world to let go of each other. Still good friends. Sad, existential and sad, but very human and honest. As they say, did not work... No luck, it happens.
you Know those confident ladies who marry for 3-5 times? One of my client's happiness and their man only in the third marriage. For many years she's good right here, safely and freely. In her vocabulary there is no word "problem", it is replaced by "roughness". Wow she does not promise anyone anything not swears. Just lives in the here and now, enjoying life with her beloved husband. And in the first and second marriage, after years of futile efforts to change something, she chose not to suffering, and moving forward.
If you think and feel that your relationship can be helped or you find it difficult to make a decisive step towards yourself, come to me for help on consultation. See if you can strengthen the foundations of your relationship, or is necessary to organize the relocation.
Alina Adler /family psychologist/
!
