the Usual way to live - naumava fears about the disease have not changed overnight... Again, "I was covered", but I realized it only when my husband said: "What's with you again? you're all pale...". And I was jabbed in the side. And I know it's panic: "I am alive and not dead." I certainly have it easier, but I decide these fears about his death on autopilot, not even noticing it. As if something skips, don't know what yet.
I was sincerely curious why the client organizes a kind of life and that obtains, due to the presence of fears and imaginary disease?
These questions she was asking myself periodically. Panic and "wrap" fears happened in those days when they had to stay together with her husband. "And so now, in this period of life, when finally we both are happy!!!" was all she said. The fears to give a sense of security: "God, don't make it worse, you see, I'm bad!".
My interest is "why cheat yourself of the fears" in moments of happiness?" again came forward. It turned out that this client was true belief:
" how can people be so happy!!!".
It didn't make sense with the scenario of life moms and dads. Dad died of cancer and the mother was left alone with my children...And my mother's scenario, she said, she has largely repeated.
"I don't want to like them , I want to live with her husband happily ever after until the very, very old age...", and for me these words were like a new, its own scenario family life.
But it was your scenario was unsettling client. She came up with yourself and all your loved ones scary scenarios. Seeing my daughter the birthmark, I began to panic....like the presence of moles is something deadly! And with that panic, she sensibly realized that it's just a birthmark.
Listening to the story of my client, I was struck by the difference in its relation to the presence of moles. Like it was two different people! One was sensible: a mole is just a mole! And the second is fearful even to look at this daughter's mole.
I offered to become her this "Boyaca" and the client moved to the place that is chosen for this character. Body just sank and sank, breathing became very shallow. And there was FEAR.
" I'm here very little, I years 2 - 3...and I'm really scared. And I understand that I need to wait, to endure it...and it was all gone. I will be fine again. And I sit and I'm afraid I can't remember what you're afraid of."
For me, it was like your childhood fears the client usually lived alone. And I asked her to be the same as usual, and with me. She breathed, looking me in the eye, even eyelashes started to clap and then she wanted to straighten his back. She became much calmer and safer.
I found it strange that she did not show - neither called for help nor cried from fear, fear gripped not only the body but also the voice. And we again found another installation from the past " yell and call other was more dangerous, for it is something threatened," but the memory access has been closed.
Now, in adult life, she began to learn to ask for help, which had, before therapy, almost never did not. But the roots of the problem went much deeper....
what has become calmer and safer did not stop the process of the creation of fears. She was not herself...that it was unsettling.
We sat in silence, and when I asked how she was feeling, she said:
"it Seems a shame... not! I feel guilty and ashamed or not ashamed, but very difficult to tell you about how I was scared when I overlooked a small 3 month old son who fell from a changing table when I moved away for a moment from him. And I was so scared when I saw that he fell a few inches from a tight angle, he could die...I now it's very painful to remember, and I still feel guilty."
Her tears were so filled with bitterness that she again and again plunged into this terrible for her situation.
She really was difficult to tell this story, despite the fact that son is all right now, and he has grown up, and engage in sports and learn very well. But then, it was a concussion, hospital...and so far, it seems she has no way to forgive yourself for what happened...and deep down blames himself for the mistake, the accident, his own negligence and causing himself pain again and again.
We had to explore this part of personality that constantly blames her and causes pain. This blaming part was hurt and disappointed in her as a mother. She pushed hard against: you can't trust kids! And so much bitterness was in this accusation, and so much sincerity.
When I asked what she can help, the answer was " to apologize to myself!".
This conversation with his client accusing part, for me, was the deep and sincere process, so alive and filled with deep feelings that I felt part of a party to the intimate process of touch to what for many years was under the "plates of fear." It was like making myself be guilty.
I don't know if she had forgiveness of self. I don't know if she'll be able to tell that story to his son and ask for forgiveness (if you want). It takes time.
PS But I am today, thanks to this event, when I asked the son: "Mom, why are you sad?", told him that after working with one client remembered our history with him when I told him, then another 2 month baby gave the injection is not a suitable syringe for diabetics - other in the drugstore is not found (it was in the early 90s), and I had it 3 times to stab to get a shot and he cried so much that my heart was torn to pieces from the fact that I'm hurting him...and I'm such a terrible mother....
the son of the first alert, but then said, "Mom, so I had to do this shot, and you did it as I could, so everything is fine...".
