to Begin with, which is necessary to distinguish between guilt and shame. Both these emotions are social as they have direct relevance to relations with people and the morality, both are about social control and ability to regulate their activity in society. And wine, and shame when experience involves the self-image therefore the experience is directed to method and quality evaluation of himself. But for correction, psychotherapy, self-development, it is important to separate them, because it is not always safe to reduce the weight of guilt in a situation in which true emotion is shame. Just as it is impossible to restructure the event, coupled with shame, when it recorded the guilt. Except for the lack of therapeutic effect, in both cases there may occur the phenomenon of rejection of the resource – a phenomenon in which the new assessment, behavior, cognition or not found at all, or be challenged or suppressed by the person as inappropriate.
Let's find out what guilt and shame differ. The first difference concerns the source of the experience. The source of shame is an external demand requiring the person executing specific social norms. When internal adoption of this rule it from a position of "foreign rule" is gradually shifting to the position of "my way monitoring and evaluation". Shame, therefore, will occur when the real assessment of our behavior by others, will be acknowledged as appropriate and correct. That is why the experience of shame integrates object and subject evaluation. Hence the belief in shame is that "I am bad."
guilt and shame, may be correlated with current and possible assessments of others "here-and-now", but primarily the fault relates to "properly" as adopted for yourself belief, as the ideal of their behavior. But unlike shame, guilt field independence is that the assessment of the actions not connected with the assessment of the person, and therefore the basic belief is not that people are bad, but that it is poorly made. In this case, human actions (with the experience of guilt) is directed not so much on the analysis itself, but on the damages caused by harm to others. In other words, guilt is a reaction to the realization of the discrepancy between his behavior to his own idea of perfection (or accepted moral standards).
Another reason for the differentiation of guilt and shame in motivating human. Shame motivates active avoidance and cessation of social contact (remember though, sometimes you want to sink into the ground out of shame), while the wine has great focus in relation to sociability, and strengthens the motives of actions on correction of a situation, adverse for others (what others). When shame no longer want to hide and less to confess in comparison with the guilt.
Protection shame are more pronounced and brighter. He often is counter-aggressive reaction aimed at the source of his shame (to another person). Protection here is this: a person feels on someone else's hostility (as a result of condemnation or criticism), directed it (hostility) to someone included in a situation where I had to feel the shame. Unconsciously a person makes is partially responsible for their unpleasant emotions. It turns out the defense, where he somehow manages the situation, there is little in it formally and substantively changing. At this point most often, the psyche and confused. Where is the shame? Who is the aggressor? Who posit the responsibility? How do I resolve conflict? Social fear and anxiety – other, not less important, protection in the sense of shame. Determine isolation, avoiding contact, hesitancy in interpersonal terms.
Wine protects us less marked. Since the direction of the fault outwards protection disintegrate as soon as the person is corrected, the harm or damage. In this case, themselves defense mechanisms perform even remedial actions: support the desire to improve relations or to stimulate a more adequate relationship skills. They can provoke changes in behavior (though not always positive), and even to redistribute emotional stress.
in order to define the ways of self-help when experiencing shame or guilt, let's look at landmark education those feelings situation
the first step is a change in the situation. If the changes are significant, the person detects these changes and begins to analyze the information. Analyses of the statements, facial expressions, gestures, circumstances, changes in the quantity, quality of incoming information, etc.
Then the evaluation of the information reviewed in relation to self-esteem (e.g. threatens self-assessment or not) and in relation to the possibility of changing the situation (it is possible to convert, whether to resist, whether to support new circumstances). If the event contains any threat to self-esteem and person decide to modify, eliminate or cancel their actions, then there is the wine. When deciding that nothing can change or cancel comes into its own shame.
the third stage is to evaluate their tendencies to act. This assessment sometimes is proactive and sets the stereotype of behavior (the person acting in a familiar pattern). This step may include the program change in the situation or event under the influence of guilt (want to repair the damage) or shame (there is a need to recognize their badness).
If the program does not turn on, return to the first step, and man acts according to the same scheme, but with the other emotional regulation (for example, involving aggression or avoidance of communication).
How yourself to reduce the weight of shame or guilt?
One of the easiest ways is to perform 5-7 similar situations with a sense of guilt or shame. The scheme of education of the guilt or shame you are aware of, it is possible to develop an approximate algorithm analysis:
- what has changed in the situation so that I wanted to evaluate it as rather offensive;
- what is the content of this assessment (what words, thoughts, ideas contained);
- what and how your assessment of the situation was threatening your peace of mind;
- as your score made you do.
to Allocate some of similar manifestations in different situations. Try to set time (that was a first, then), causal (how one formed the other) the relationships between all the emotions, their behavior and results. This will help bring the program behavior on a conscious level.
what to do? How to reduce guilt or experience shame. This is difficult because you will need high-reflection and the ability to abstract away from their emotions and behavioral manifestations. But trying is possible and even necessary.
We work with the ideal model of yourself in a particular situation. The ideal model – a system of representations of themselves as perfect (as I have to be or what I really want to be!). In the model of the ideal self can be objective, values, rules, norms, evaluation of our behavior in other people, principles, worldviews, etc. – all the things that we accept as the main tenets of his life. These ideas of a perfect form of demands for themselves. Consider all the demands on themselves that will be able to recall in a particular situation. It is important to understand where in the model these demands on themselves. They are yours or someone cultivated? If someone else, then why are they awarded? It is important to understand exactly who you broadcast this? In other words, need to audit all the requirements in their perfect models: some questioned, some decrease, and others increase, some did give. And such audit to carry out in each situation where there is shame or guilt.
After the audit, try to combine revised requirements for scheme (on which the above analyzed their assessment) to see how you are now able with the new requirements to the experience of guilt or shame in a particular situation. If the situation still touches you emotionally, so check again.
How to cope with the guilt of other ways you can look here.
good Luck on the path of discovering yourself!
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