One of the most hard experience of intrapersonal conflict is the conflict between the overwhelming desire to be close to your loved one and the impossibility of its implementation. The reasons may be different: there is no mutual love or is love, but because of other contradictions it is absolutely impossible to get along with each other, or there is love but there is another family... Therefore, when you request for a psychological consultation the problem the relationship between the sexes always leads. It usually sounds like this: "I can't live without this person, what can I do to get him back?"
but with this phrase begins the work of the psychologist with the client. And it consists of two parts. Let's start with the first: "I can't live without this person"...In the world is actually very small things without which man cannot live. It's basic needs, to satisfy which need, not to die. Until now it was assumed that these include warmth, water, food, air. But increasingly, you can find individuals who can do without food in the traditional sense, because you nourish yourself in other ways, ... absorbing the sun's energy, for example.
it is Known that for the successful development of people from birth needs love. The baby, which is the formal care without expressions of love also dies or grows a man with obvious emotional defects of personality. Turns out, it does not say, the need for love is one of the most important in human life. But what is behind the phrase "I can't live without him (her) to live?" Usually when I ask to clarify what the person has in mind when says it, I hear the following answers:
- I love it.
- do Not think without it their existence.
- I does not work (do not want to do, nothing interesting, everything loses its meaning, just think about it...)
to Understand further:
- And was there really such a state?
- Well, was. When I broke up with the former.
And you are still alive?..
If people at parting with a loved one experiences a painful feeling, accompanied by loss of interest in life, and of all the values is only this person, then most likely, we are talking about the so-called neurotic love when emotional dependence on another person. And here we have "strong love", as is accepted in society, and the high degree of dependence on the other. Today this condition is well described and is a type of such disease as codependency, which is characterized by the fact that a person begins to live his own life and the life of another person.
manifestations of emotional dependency include the following changes in behavior and thinking:
- before to do something, think how he would react to this;
- buy something that should please him;
- it needs for me are in the first place;
- do something to the detriment of their interests;
I agree with his point of view, even if it did not think so;
- try to please;
- avoid statements, actions that he may not like.
If at least three of the listed characteristic for you, then most likely, you have emotional dependence. What this state has nothing to do with the other person. After parting with one, you will develop such an unhealthy relationship with a different partner. Therefore, the first and basic remedy for his recovery will be working with the emotional dependency.
Now it's easier to deal with the second part of the request for psychological counseling: "What do I do to get him back?" The fact that process of finding inner freedom is healthy, clean thinking, which allows the mind level, not just at the level of feelings, to decide whether you are ready to continue to live with this person or not. After all, the other person can't be changed, shouldn't waste your energy and time. It is what it is. The only thing in your power to learn how to negotiate with him to agree to meet his and your needs.
so, the questions that will help you to understand yourself further:
- why do you want to get the man?
What does it give you?
- What are the positive consequences?
- What are the negative?
- Any more?
- what you're willing to tolerate all the disadvantages of his return?
- how much time you have enough strength and health to endure it?
- Why bring it back if he doesn't want that?
After working so hard with me (but not for five minutes, as would many "hot heads"), everything falls into place, and people, feeling their self-worth, self-sufficiency and freedom, understands he's able to create a healthy relationship with a partner of the opposite sex and be happy in them.
Together with Julia Vasyukova
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