By the time we begin to understand that the relationship with your child is very much wrong, we have accumulated a huge baggage of fatigue, resentment and despair.
Fatigue and despair accumulate in the process of multiple attempts to teach their child to be obedient, to do lessons on time, clean up your stuff, wash dishes after eating. Such attempts usually end in a conflict in which we often lose the child. On our many notations he responds by ignoring, leaving, computer games or friends with a more disadvantaged situation in the family.
resentment against the ungrateful child grows out of the fact that it has too much forces and means of desire that he needed, so he was dressed no worse and even better than their peers, and certainly the gadget, so that you can flaunt. As a result, disobedience, low performance in school, negative statements of teachers, allegations of spouse or loved ones that you are a bad mother, not able to educate your child.
What is really wrong?!
Each single relationship between mother and child has a special development, unlike the situation in a different family, and, therefore, deserves customized solutions. The main thing - not to despair, to look at the situation differently.
For clarity, I want to cite a few examples.
the First example. When you build a relationship with a man (husband), you are trying to find, to notice, to highlight its strengths and to justify poor? I think, Yes. Otherwise, after numerous conflicts Your cute I would go back home to build happiness with someone who will notice and appreciate his dignity and justify his shortcomings. The child has no such opportunity, he is extremely vulnerable. He had no choice, as from time to time to make the negative things to get your attention and to understand where in this relationship is love.
the Second example. You take into your home little human lump in the hope that it will bring You happiness, will delight and amuse. You probably will do anything to he was playful, will give him enough of my free time will teach him to pan or start time to walk, so he did not spoil the house. If you can't cope with the taming, I will try to give it in "good hands" or thrown out. Your child, this account is not threatened, he is doomed to live with you and you with him.
Imagine now that the child of non-uniqueness, there is still a baby, which mommy pays lots of attention, kisses, hugs, does not notice the mischief, or, even more offensive, throws accusations senior that did not finish.
now think about it, what is it? Family he did not choose, the border is not exposed, for it determined by someone in authority, and that deity was his mother! At that moment her mom, it has not been of conditions, if only was born alive and healthy, God bless him, with health, medicine does not stand still. Now, to understand, does his mother need to execute a bunch of conditions on which it will be possible to understand who is he? However, he releases her claws, testing the boundaries, over and over again showing a willingness to militia.
hurt Children becomes very strong weapon, coming at the conventions, destroying your life with disobedience and actions that bring harm to themselves and the pain, the shame a parent. Of course, the child can choose resentment and manipulation as a tool consciously to use it, trying to get freedom and showing their dominance in front of an unruly parent.
Each case requires an individual analysis situations are the same, it's like the picture on the palm. While on the surface of the iceberg there are always uncontrollable child and the exhausted, strung out, mommy. Believe me, both are deeply unhappy.
At this point I would like to ask the question: where is the love?! That same, unconditional love that forgives baby pranks, tying shoes and .........".
During the reception parents with the problem of violation of the parent-child relationship, I always ask: how often do You praise your child?
In response often hear, and for her (his) praise?!
And begin to enumerate the situations in which the child upsets them.
When I ask the child to tell about their relationship with the mother, it often comes to tears, where the child says that the parents do not notice his good deeds, no matter how much he tried, but the slightest misstep or failure at it spills a flurry of accusations and insults, even in the presence of strangers, mom comes in without knocking to his room, etc.
Mommy! Stop!
the Winners in this battle usually does not happen!
so what to do?
How to save relationship with the child?
How to strengthen your credibility, enhance self-respect from the child?
to Strengthen the positive Association with it?
How to find a contact and place the child?
a Small digression:
every age has its challenges. Tasks adult and child differ, the tasks of the child also change constantly and become more complex during the whole time of his growing up. During this difficult journey, the child needs parental attention, support and mentorship, although in the case of breaches of parent-child relationship, strongly denies this.
And now we will try to find the answers to earlier questions. First, we need to understand that the relationship went wrong one day, so will need some period of time to restore the relationship with the child. It is not necessary in the form of an ultimatum to require the child to correct the situation and change, it will only exacerbate the difficult situation.
Look at your child on the other hand, try to notice not only the negative but also the positive side of the behavior of their child. Look for any positive reasons to praise your child and tell him kind words throughout the day. To begin with, assign him the tasks he must perform. Do not be afraid that praise will spoil your child. Try to find a reason to praise the child in front of his friends and important adults. It will raise your value in his eyes, therefore, increase the degree of respect for you.
do Not demand from the child impossible, what he absolutely is not ready. For example, it is unrealistic to require from the child a quarter, if the last few years his academic performance was consistently low.
confront your own expectations with the capabilities of their child, and then you will avoid unnecessary problems and conflicts.
Find time to communicate with the child, do not combine this communication with the housework, for example, dishwashing. Don't turn this chat in the lecture. Ask about his Hobbies, ask him to teach you some of the things he has skillfully obtained, for example, to operate the joystick or the rules of virtual games, dance moves, etc. rather 15 minute session per day to have your child to yourself, be authoritative, which is not afraid to share both joys and sorrows.
of Course, if not to discuss problematic issues with the child, to show him that they are very concerned about, the problem will not resolve itself. If their behavior the child is causing you negative feelings, I don't want to gloss over for the sake of the fragile peace between you, it is necessary to communicate their feelings. Talking about this need from the first person. And we need to talk about themselves, about their emotions, about their feelings, and not about him, not about his behavior, tell that you already are weakened in their attempts to rectify the situation, and did not see a way out and it makes you hurt and ashamed, ask him to help you to find a way out of this unpleasant situation for you where your child is and fix it, and you're always near and always ready to help. In conversation it is necessary to observe a respectful tone if you want to be heard.
the Next step you can distribute a personal responsibility as their child, according to family tradition and his age, be sure to discuss this with your child and after you will come to a mutual agreement, to negotiate how you will perform. In addition, it is necessary to discuss the types of rewards and sanctions in case of fulfillment or failure of certain areas of responsibility.
And, most importantly, dear parents, do not forget that Your child, even in adolescence needs your attention and love. In many families it is not customary to kiss and hug their kids, which leads to the fact that these kids are growing up, setting the stage for her family, giving birth to their kids, don't know how to show their affection for him, touching their grown up children feel the wild awkwardness and clumsiness. Of course, it is difficult to cross this barrier, but perhaps it is enough to realize that it will help to shape the future of not only your child but your entire family as a whole. You can do this. Just need a time to take and to hold, to take and kiss. And You will see that every time the "hug" and "kissers" are all more natural and more tender, thaw child's heart and Shine my mother's face.
Once in the trap of complex interpersonal relationship is not always easy to find a solution, and even if You found it difficult to reach the end of this arduous journey. Do not hesitate to contact the specialist, along the path is always shorter and easier. I'm always ready to lend a helping hand to find a way out of any desperate situation and support You in the difficult period of rebuilding family relationships.
Happiness is your home, dear readers!
a Practicing psychologist Lidia Serova.
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