В гармонии с собой или как установить личные границы?

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In my work I often meet clients when they are missing or just "not working" their personal boundaries. In most cases this is related to the problems and discomfort of their lives. What does it mean?

let's Start with the definition of what personal boundaries of the person. It's a private space that protects it psychologically creates a sense of security as individuals. Some call it inner core. It's the shell that does not allow one person to cause any harm to another person. Speaking of harm, I mean not so much physical violence, how many psycho-emotional, which are harder to recognize.

What do you mean "personal boundaries don't work"? First, examples from the lives of my clients:

- the young couple living separately; pregnant daughter-in-law; mother-in-law keeps calling, she has the keys to the apartment young, and she comes to him when she wants; neither the son nor the daughter can't agree on the planned issues or to resolve the issue with the keys, because the mother-in-law will be offended;

- new mother of a baby to endure the presence of his mother at home; the grandmother of the baby in control of the process of caring for a newborn (how to bathe, whether diapers, how often to feed, etc.); the daughter herself wants to care for the child, but could not "get" my mom, because she took a vacation and will be offended if she say I don't need her help;

the mother of an adult son checks his pockets, considers how much he has left money, watches without the permission of his papers, and walks into his room to see what he was doing; the son doesn't like, but it has nothing to do because my mother loves him and cares about him, and not to answer her ingratitude;

a woman lives with a man many years married; he allows himself to do to her constant remarks, to come to her when she wants to be alone, to switch the TV to her favorite show that I want him; she feels uncomfortable, but can not change the situation, because "it's her husband."

Now it becomes more clear how personal boundaries are not working. This is when you feel any unexplained discomfort in the soul, the unpleasant feelings (anger, irritation, resentment, anger) that someone "spit in the soul".

I deliberately wrote the word "can't do" about each person in the examples above, because while the client does not understand that the situation (which happens) prevents him to feel in harmony, to grow, to succeed; he, of course, nothing will be able to do with it. Moreover, people think it's the norm, because from early childhood, their personal boundaries, personal space violated, and continues to be violated. Someone thinks a grown child of his property, someone wants to control another, someone is asserting itself at the expense of the spouse.

well, for starters the person is an awareness (understanding) that this situation is abnormal, and what can and should live differently.

Then I help the client to build their own personal boundaries again. This is best obtained when working with images. So one client presented himself on the shore of the sea, and her personal boundaries looked like a circle around her. When interacting with the mother, she clearly saw that the circle was not working. Together we explored her relationship with her mother when she realized that children's stays in position and allows the mother a lot for himself unpleasant. After a while it in your imagination, re-drew their borders. And again they did not protect her. This is normal when all my life I live in the old way. Only the third way of helping a woman to feel comfortable inside their own borders, saved her from the guilt of the mother that she (the daughter) will have their own personal space in which she may not let anyone or whom he wills. But it was still enough time when this image was moved from imagination in the life of a client.

What it gives to one's personal life (for example client)?

- relationship with my mother reached a new level: they began on-to another to communicate, disappeared grudges, bitterness, anger; number of conflicts reduced; there is equal interaction from the standpoint of adult-adult;

- has internal confidence, which is beneficial in their professional activities: a woman found what she wants to do and is now actively developing in this direction;

- in relationships with men changes a woman feels inside "Queen" and does not tolerate negative attitude.

- but most importantly, within yourself, the woman felt a comfort, harmony, now she knows clearly what she likes in relationships with other people and dislikes, and always able to say it without fear to offend anyone.

the Most difficult to "build" your personal boundaries with your closest people (parents, spouses, children). It is a natural process. If you try to change the situation, but the discomfort remains in the soul, the psychologist will help to find solutions.

Olga Fomina

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