This is the first that reports this man for advice – that he's afraid to live life alone. Was married a long time, because divorced and did not have anything in common. Then he searched for, met, met and was "all wrong". And hard is the lesson – sit on the Dating sites. He dreams about a magical understanding, warmth, and "affinity".
Ask – and you wonder to yourself? "Yes, I can! To fix anything, building a fire, shish kebabs to fry is what you want." And this is heard clearly on the orientation. For the other, for the same "emotional relationship" he is willing to do anything. But why no one wants it?
Recently became acquainted with a woman. Their communication they started with that new acquaintance complained to my client for their difficulties. In the process of communication he realized that she was exactly what he needed: kind, beautiful, intelligent, economic, modest. She, however, lives in another city and with another man. And as soon as she realizes that my client is hinting at a serious relationship – she apologized, she gave him the wrong reason to understand himself and turned the conversation.
Really sad situation. Some hopelessness, the pressure in the space. What's going on? Sit across from a client and feel that I would not be interested in him. And I want to "move" and increase the psychological distance. I feel his desire "to cleave", some "relatedness", the "shackles" that occur in space communication.
what it is for me? His desire to merge. In principle, normal need. If it is to realize and legalize correctly.
Attempts to focus the client on bodily sensations and the way that you are now in the sensations, lead us again to the fear of being alone. The need for the strongest to be with someone. And converge it can only man in whom this same need (to be with someone) and fear of being alone strong and outweigh everything else. These people are. Not uncommon in our time. And this is what many holds together, even with the incompatibility by other parameters.
What prevents him? And he searches for and selects for very different criteria: not for fear of loneliness, and the list: "kind, smart, beautiful, business". The perfect woman is looking for. This is from the narcissistic register. Here nestykovochka.
the Body signals on the subcortex "want to merge, save from loneliness." And he really want a relationship that will be exactly to meet this need. But the woman, much in need of merging, and able to approach him in this setting – it does not satisfy the perfect criteria of narcissistic "good, smart, beautiful, business". Conversely, appropriate for this list, does not need man with fear.
Output a fear of solitude –soul cover the pit with a man who so much afraid, it means, live with imperfect. Well, work on self-sufficiency, pass through fear of being alone. Will be self-sufficient when loneliness is not a hindrance when one is good, and someone good – then it will be easier to return to the "list" and be interested in someone who fits the criteria.
One of the ways how to close the "hole" of fear of loneliness – you need to speak honestly with a partner who in the same need, a need, to admit this weakness and to thank the partner for what he gives you the opportunity to meet her. To thank for the fact that he was "dripping droplets and sprinkles sand" in your mental "hole" alone. So this pit is gradually leveled. But that's a separate issue.