- Why some children are "comfortable" and others "uncomfortable"?
Response.
what do You think, what children can be called "comfortable"?
These children are not capricious. Do not require the store to buy a toy, I can be quite picky in the food or choice of clothing. Not acting up, don't scatter your stuff...to Fulfill all the orders of parents, always polite, helpful...
I'm Sure there are parents who dream of these children. But it does not fully understand, about what it really is.
Who is "easy" baby? After all, such a child can easily be manipulated to "move" into the background. I would like you as parents to make this happen with your child?
Then who is "inconvenient" child? Maybe someone don't work the usual scheme of education control? Someone who can fight back, to say "no"? And we, as parents, it becomes difficult, because it needs to look for ways to dialogue, understanding each other? To be creative?
Response.
it so Happens that the parents have a partial understanding of the individual characteristics of the child. Or can't accept some of his quality traits. The child does not correspond to the ideal image in my head. And then try to "fit" the child in this image.
in such a situation, remains of a small child, for whom the love and acceptance of parents is incredibly important? To be expected of him.... It turns out the power through love. "You're good – I will love you, and you will not – then you're bad and I'll take your love as a punishment".
In fact, to Express their views, to dissent, to resist sometimes – it's perfectly normal for a child. How else to learn to distinguish between their needs and the needs of others? How to learn to understand what I really want? Children want to explore this world, learn new things...
Response.
the Need for love. We all have them.
for Example, a boy shares with his parents his desire to study art, and hear in response: "dancing and drawing is a waste of time... how can a decent man to choose this profession? Better to be a lawyer (accountant, dentist, etc.)". That is the case, adults trying to convey to the child that if he will follow his inner impulse, then he is "bad", "wrong", "I couldn't accept that I won't love". In this situation, some children do choose obedience, because to lose the love of the most important people in the world is very scary.
Response.
Crises 3, 7 years, the crisis of adolescence is a perfectly normal stage in child development. The crises of the age are all children.
What is the crisis? This change, a turning point, a transitional state.
the Crisis of three years - the child begins to separate from the mother. If the crisis is passed successfully, the child gains the initiative and autonomy. And if no – doubts and shame.
the Crisis of seven years – the child begins to regulate their conduct by the rules, formed attitude to yourself and to the people.
the Crisis is successfully completed, then the "output" - initiative and a feeling of competence. And if not a sense of inferiority and passivity. Therefore, parents should encourage children to be independent.
Teens in crisis – approximately 12-14 years, the boundaries of the conventional. Now, many experts say the beginning of the crisis in ten and a half to 11 years. The challenge of this crisis - the secession (separation) from their parents. And then at the end of the crisis period, the teenager understands what he wants to move on with my life. Answers myself to the questions "Who am I? I know, can you? Where are the limits of my capabilities?".
Response.
I would say, unfortunately, it so happens that children know and love, only if they meet the expectations of the parents. The child grows up, but he cannot feel what he wants in life, where is his place in this world. Have a sense of loneliness, anxiety. The consequences can be very sad: addiction, psychosomatic disorders.
Often we want "easy" children" because "inconvenient" our cope is not enough; hence we need to understand first in themselves and do not require that the child changes.
Response.
In my opinion, in this situation, the most important thing for parents is to ask ourselves: what I would feel for my child? What will happen to me if I start to cater to all your relatives, friends, colleagues?
Where, then, should I? As if there's only desire, the needs of others. And I just a way for their execution. As you in this situation? Yes, the answers to these questions may not always be pleasant. Start with yourself. You can contact the psychologist in order to understand what my behavior as a parent causes a child's desire in all things to please me? Maybe I'm too responsible for that?
Response.
Let's try to understand what it means to "inconvenient" child. What happens if the child doesn't listen to me? I'm sad, I'm angry, lose control of the situation? Feel helpless?
it is Necessary to investigate the reasons why the child "rebels", what is violent protest.
Maybe it's a teenager, who is now at the peak age of crisis, and his task is to separate from parents and to rebel. And it is normal for a teenager! He is experiencing a lot of feelings associated with hormonal irregular, changing body. And then parents need to be resilient, to endure and to accept aggression, as psychologists say, to be a "container" for the powerful feelings of the child. After all, we adults, have experienced this, and can we withstand this storm of emotions. In this situation, I wish patience and perseverance parents. This period will end.
And maybe there was some traumatic situation. And then the protest is a reaction to what happened. The child needs help and support to cope, including a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Or is this type of education in the family gave the child such a complex character? Then you need to change the style of relationships in the family, to consult a marriage counselor. Because the family is a complex system. All have an impact on each other. Let us understand, to look for reasons. And then we can give recommendations. All individually. There is no universal means.
Response.
do you think there are universal "right" of children's reactions?
What is right for one person may be totally unacceptable for another.
of Course, I'm not talking about any extremes, like the fact that the child destroys property, is brutally beaten by other children. But to consider the two poles – unquestioning obedience and rebellion is not worth it.
it may be helpful to think about balance, or rather balancing between being a child listening to the parents ' opinion, complied with the rules adopted in the family, society. And so that could without fear Express their opinions, share experiences. Not afraid that he will criticize, or laugh at, not take seriously.
trust and Respect are two important components of education. I as a parent respect the child, listen to him, give support and protection, and thus help to build boundaries in relationships with other people, by example, show what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.
Response:
I recall the words of the psychoanalyst Alice Miller: "Requirements "behave" have nothing to do with life itself. Many people these units block the path to freedom."
Take children's feelings, their fears, anger, doubts. You should not demand an immediate answer to the questions: "What happened to you? Tell me. I can see that something is not right!". Listen up kids! Try to find words that are appropriate to the age of the child, and build a dialogue. On the basis of trust and respect.
the Main thing – let the child feel safe with you. Gets angry when he's angry. Sad if he's sad, cries when hurt. Let him feel himself a living man, capable of trust and intimacy.
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