In fact, it rarely happens that both parents have identical views on education. Behind each can be quite different experience, which forms an idea of how to raise children.
But let's say a family has a mom who is trying to raise a child more humanely, reading different articles, books. And there is dad — he is different.
And, of course, the wife may experience a huge desire to teach her husband — because she knows she reads, and she wanted to create a more prosperous atmosphere for their children. Aspirations is commendable. But there may appear 6 dangers in trying to teach the husband how to behave with children:
- the more the wife is putting pressure on the wife, the more he resists this effect.
- If the wife increases pressure, husband can be stuck in resistance. Appears the tensions, negative emotions in relation to each other, may even appear aggressive impulses.
- the Desire of his wife to show how, especially in children, undermines his credibility that no one will be nice, especially for men.
- there is a polarization of attachment of the child, i.e. a mother with children seems to be on one side and her father on the opposite. And then there is a clear split in the family. Children find it hard to understand whom to obey, whom to follow. This situation is especially dangerous when children are young.
- In the eyes of a child will be parents who are constantly competing. For him, it can be quite difficult and painful, because he loves both parents and they can't figure out how the "right" to behave with him. How, then, to understand what "possible" and "no" to the child? If the mother, for example, allow you to jump on the couch, and Papa is not. But if such situations a lot? It really is an unbearable burden for the child.
- Growing alienation in pairs, when one hears not another, there may be psychological protection. Everything becomes difficult, and children especially.
- Often the wife treats the situation as if the problem is with the husband. "He isn't, his approach is wrong, he doesn't listen to me", "If he changed, everything would be all right." Relationship is getting worse.
1. Enough one host attachment.
the Good news is that the child, for the full development, sense of security, the formation of psychological stability enough one host attachment. Ie it may be one parent who will accept the child for who he is. To create such a relationship where a child can show, both good and "bad" emotions, to cry their grievances and sadness, not afraid to be vulnerable, to be himself.
the Problem arises when the child does not such a person, and he is forced to hold all your emotions in yourself.
2. Mom and dad are different.
Children are able to accept it as a given. With dad, for example, a fun bike to ride, and the mother always regret and consolation.
But if there are conflicts in the family, for example, between father and child? Not worth it to openly take the side of the child, and to talk to the other parent that you can't do that. This will not only undermine the authority of the partner in the eyes of a child, but also hurt my baby. May occur polarization attachment: mother saves, and the Pope-bad. Such things are not very good impact on relations and child development.
I sympathize with the child, perhaps, say, "Yeah, dad was pissed he had a bad day, but he still loves you very much. He will calm down and you will definitely build a boat, which started yesterday. All will be well." When it is regularly spoken, children are able to remember and psychologically they become much calmer.
Help to restore the relationship of father and a child.
And to Express their opinion about the situation and behavior of the partner you'd better have one later.
3. Rest — fatigue can be very difficult relationship as a couple.
There is such a thing as integration, balancing feelings. For example, when we want to scream, but remember that we loved one and don't want to hurt his feelings and to solve problems in this way.
But the integration is reduced if the emotional resources to the limit. And instead of calmly figure out — we can break.
Sometimes you need a little help (grandparents/ nannies), went to claim and there was a lightness in the relationship. Or just take a little time to recover their resources in the appropriate way for you.
4. Make contact before talking about important things.
do Not discuss the incidents in the middle of an argument. Wait time when you and your spouse will calm down and be configured to peaceful dialogue with each other, without emotions and objectively.
Try to avoid all sorts of accusations, recriminations and moralizing, moralizirovaniya, etc. Speak about their feelings, experiences, desires. Instead of "How can you yell at the child?" say, "I do not love, when shout. That's really upsetting me, it hurts", "I would love to have in our family worked to solve conflicts in a calm voice".
So there is a chance that the partner will really listen to you.
5. Better share your discoveries, and not theoretical knowledge.
Partnerships imply equality, and who will be nice, if it will constantly learn, monitor and expose incompetent?
So it is better to share your successful application of the theory in practice. For example, "you Know honey, yesterday this situation was. Had to clean up. And before Tanya to ask to help me, we sat together, talked a bit, joked, hugged. And then I asked her to help. And you know what's amazing? Usually she resists. And then readily agreed. And I thought that I would do that. And then I usually from the back come and say "gotta get out". But to me it would be unpleasant."
In General, do not give pressure, do not impose your position. Just share humanly their discoveries and experience. And then the husband will be more disposed to accept it and learn from the situation a positive experience, without resistance.
6. Do not try to control other relationships, and it is better to work on your relationship with the children.
Find a new respect for the relationship between the spouse and children. Pay attention to the positive side of their interaction.
a Woman may think that she knows better how to raise a child. But even if this is so, remember you're partners, you're not a teacher and not a mother to her husband.
let go of control, note that a lot of good is happening in the relationship with the spouse and children in addition to your participation and pressure. Maybe it's not exactly what you would like. But husband another. And once you fell in love with it the way it is.
He has the right to build their relationship with children. Don't take everything on yourself. It is important for the husband to give a space for your experience. Introduce him to interact with children. Give him the opportunity to demonstrate and be responsible. This can help some joint sessions child with my dad, walking. Well, if from time to time they will be alone. It's definitely a positive impact on their relationship.
7. Create and maintain a warm, trusting relationship with your spouse.
the Relationship should be a shield in tandem, where everyone is accepted, understood, supported, not to criticize and educate. Where it is possible to Express vulnerable feelings without fear of being hurt.
There is an interesting study — "What do you need for a good life? The lessons of the longest studies on happiness"
it Was discovered that a close, trusting relationship in a pair have a positive effect on physical, emotional health and longevity.
We can learn to control their impulses, to find the words to adjust to the partner, which can have different values, attitudes, perception of the world. For us may be something obvious, not requiring explanation, but a partner to it may be viewed from a different angle.
Try to take care and to protect each other, substitute each other — it brings the relationship to another level. In such a relationship partners are more open to listen to the words of another.
8. Revise their expectations in the spouse.
Sometimes, we do idealize partner and the relationship in the beginning, so it is helpful to review your expectations throughout life. Take what spouse like this and it did not change.
9. There are things that we can take, and there are those that can not — you need to say it, but to say, "holding each other's hands".
to Ignore the insults and unpleasant situation impossible. You need to constantly discuss, interact with each other, share what worries. Do not leave unresolved problems, not gloss over that hurt. But talk about it without accusations and voicing your feelings, your desires and expectations. Instead of: "you're so rude", "don't pay the kids attention," it is better to say: "I am pained to hear that", "I like to watch you play with children, and for them it is also very important."
take small steps, focus on relationships, and then be sure your family life will bring you more happiness and satisfaction!
the Article is written for semia.md
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