the
the theme of the complex. To speak and speak frankly - it's a big risk for me. But I deliberately go to him not out of love for risk, but for the love of the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. I'm ready to meet the misunderstanding and condemnation, knowing that they can not be. Because the theme human. All too human. br>
What is a "difficult relationship"? In my opinion, is when the interaction energy requires concentration and is accompanied by a background voltage. That is, is hard work. And "difficult people" (parents, children, partners)? It every determines for himself. The difficulties are similar, but never universal. Therefore, psychotherapy never prevratitsa in the likeness of the home directory of diseases. Man is too complex, too elusive in its subjectivity. br>
the Concept of "difficult parents" may imply the difficulties associated with living together, with separate accommodation, conflicts with family subsystems, with the need to care physical and mental illness, addictions. To consider all this at a time - not a good idea, so it's best to start with one of something. So, here it goes about the difficult relationship of adult independent children and their parents where there is constant exhausting conflicts, returning to the same point with a sense that the barrier is total and irresistible. br>
Most of my clients who met with it in my life, it seems that can only sigh and helplessly angry. That understanding with the parents did not reach never. And here I answer, that such as we would like, ideally, I guess, though not to achieve. But SUFFICIENT it is possible. "Sufficient" does not mean trouble-free. Rather, commensurate with the possibilities. And in order to explain how this is done, I will use the metaphor of bridges. Bridges are artificial constructions for the passage through the abyss and impassable streams, which often presented a difficult relationship. The bridge is an artificially created room for the necessary interaction. And they are needed, when natural is not enough, or just not there. br>
And the first thing one would have to say is that these bridges will have to build you. For two reasons. First: apparently, bridges offered by your parents, you are not suitable. Second: a large part of the responsibility for the quality of the relationship prinadlejit for those who have more strength, awareness and understanding. (Not understanding that as "right" and what is generally happening).
And in our case there is a constant strike of mutual expectations. "I wish he (she, they) have changed" - is working. Both in one and in the other direction. And this understanding is able to become a pillar of the first bridge. br>
1 axle. CLARIFICATION OF EXPECTATIONS. To understand what it is that they want is priceless. Love, care and attention - a classic of the genre. But this is too General wording. Here we fall into the trap of personal interpretation of care and love in his manner, and not in the horse feed. Without clarification is not enough. If without it everything is so easily guessed, the difficulties would be much less. The question of "how you take care" - not handwriting soulless cattle. This is the most adequate way to search contact. Household example: when we know how many sugars to put the person in your tea, it is easier for us to please him with this tea. About the same and emotional needs. Only harder. br>
2 bridge. SINCERITY. It is important to understand a subtlety: the expectations of parents from the us - not so much about specific actions, how about the fact that these acts and deeds were our true and sincere. And often they are offended, it is the lack of desire. For example, to call every day. Even if we call, we begin to get pangs for a "formal" tone for the conversation too soon, distraction by other things, etc. And again the conflict, the accusation of indifference, that "you have to do." It is exhausting, takes all energy and it remains for true sincere feelings and impulses. But they could be. And important they were. But in war as in war. br>
Therefore, remember that it is parents want from you and what you are willing to give spontaneously and from the heart. And as soon as there is the slightest impulse to do something (share about their lives, ask for advice) and do it. Remember that all sincere much weightier and more valuable. Gold vs paper money: paper money only represent wealth, but gold it is. br>
3 bridge. THE FULFILLMENT OF THE PROMISES. There is often the feeling that we want all at once. Do not take on everything. Separate responsible with the other, to the extent possible. But what promised to do. Even if the promises made to parents you are not regularly performed, it is not necessary tit for tat. Fulfilling its promises, you don't get deceived by the Loch. You maintain the stability you need and respect himself through his word. Promised to come back Thursday after six stopped. Promised to hang up after the first insults to your partner - put. This is the case, where appropriate Always and Never. Where democratic undertones only more confusing relationship, papadas robbing gang arbitrary interpretations. br>
4 bridge. ORDER IN YOUR OWN LIFE. You should keep resourceful state, to regularly take the support to ensure its adequacy, to relax and to vosstanavlivaetsya in a relationship with a good contact where you can just be yourself. br>
5 bridge. THE PAST NOT THE PRESENT. In the theme of "difficult parents" not last place is occupied by irritation and anger. Usually they're cut in one big lump, which always infects the communication becomes a huge obstacle. If you get mad at the parents, you with this best eco-friendly do. And, first and foremost, to share my anger at the feelings of real parents (the ones we have today) and internal (those that were). It often turns out that these two anger quite differently colored. For example, the first about the fact that my parents are getting older, getting dumber, weaker, need no longer be support. And the second is about the desire to get even for the mistakes of childhood, the consequences of which you see in yourself now. Choking with anger, we forget about the fact that it was in the past, and it's impossible to go back. Now everything is in your hands. Both good and bad. And to do it in your life is your concern. Because you are now adult. And to settle the old debt with elderly parents is not poztsii adult. Addressing those, who they were, you become the person you were too. That is, a child. To be dependent and helpless, waving fists. br>
6 axle. FORGIVENESS. In any relationship there is always something to ask forgiveness. Ask him first. You may hear the request for forgiveness in return. Of course it is important to understand that it is forgiven and there will be many disappointments, if the parents do not understand what we have wronged, and just say "I'm sorry for what I was(a) wrong." But not invalidate it. In this "empty form" you can enter their grievances. For me, this is very important, as I see this as a way to dialogue. br>
7 bridge. WARM FEELINGS. Remember that you are definitely grateful and find the most direct way to Express this gratitude to the parents. Encourage, praise a good purchase, Hobbies, interests, Dating. In fact, parents are very important our praise. br>
8 bridge. RESTRAINT. Be restrained in anger. Not out of obligation (duty always want to fight). And not one of the virtues of velikolepnia (that can destroy you). And just to not start a chain reaction of conflict, quenching the charges in the ground. So you can save more energy. Rather, you ask "Why should I do that?!" Again, I don't. But, most likely, will choose this if we understand why, looking at what happens from the side. Be kept in the spontaneous expression of any feelings. Streaming absolute openness is very expensive in a relationship without contact. Better enjoy it where you feel comfortable. br>
9 bridge. ACCESSIBILITY. After the scandals and quarrels, explosions and ruptures, cry, get angry, worry, recover, and still remain available for new possibilities to try contact. Maybe not immediately, maybe after a while, but leave a chance for meeting with me and let's figure it out parents. This does not mean that we should open wide open and their entire essence to crawl under again. Not at all. On the contrary, take care of your borders, do not let into the soul. Set zone "living room" and talk to her. br>
Naturally, this is not all I have to say on this topic. But I don't want to be sprayed to much trying to embrace the unembraceable and to push nevpihuemoe. And, of course, these bridges not nine, and much more. But their unique value lies not so much in the service of the message divided by the banks, so that they themselves can become a great meeting place.
Zvonareva Anastasia
!
the theme of the complex. To speak and speak frankly - it's a big risk for me. But I deliberately go to him not out of love for risk, but for the love of the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. I'm ready to meet the misunderstanding and condemnation, knowing that they can not be. Because the theme human. All too human. br>
What is a "difficult relationship"? In my opinion, is when the interaction energy requires concentration and is accompanied by a background voltage. That is, is hard work. And "difficult people" (parents, children, partners)? It every determines for himself. The difficulties are similar, but never universal. Therefore, psychotherapy never prevratitsa in the likeness of the home directory of diseases. Man is too complex, too elusive in its subjectivity. br>
the Concept of "difficult parents" may imply the difficulties associated with living together, with separate accommodation, conflicts with family subsystems, with the need to care physical and mental illness, addictions. To consider all this at a time - not a good idea, so it's best to start with one of something. So, here it goes about the difficult relationship of adult independent children and their parents where there is constant exhausting conflicts, returning to the same point with a sense that the barrier is total and irresistible. br>
Most of my clients who met with it in my life, it seems that can only sigh and helplessly angry. That understanding with the parents did not reach never. And here I answer, that such as we would like, ideally, I guess, though not to achieve. But SUFFICIENT it is possible. "Sufficient" does not mean trouble-free. Rather, commensurate with the possibilities. And in order to explain how this is done, I will use the metaphor of bridges. Bridges are artificial constructions for the passage through the abyss and impassable streams, which often presented a difficult relationship. The bridge is an artificially created room for the necessary interaction. And they are needed, when natural is not enough, or just not there. br>
And the first thing one would have to say is that these bridges will have to build you. For two reasons. First: apparently, bridges offered by your parents, you are not suitable. Second: a large part of the responsibility for the quality of the relationship prinadlejit for those who have more strength, awareness and understanding. (Not understanding that as "right" and what is generally happening).
And in our case there is a constant strike of mutual expectations. "I wish he (she, they) have changed" - is working. Both in one and in the other direction. And this understanding is able to become a pillar of the first bridge. br>
1 axle. CLARIFICATION OF EXPECTATIONS. To understand what it is that they want is priceless. Love, care and attention - a classic of the genre. But this is too General wording. Here we fall into the trap of personal interpretation of care and love in his manner, and not in the horse feed. Without clarification is not enough. If without it everything is so easily guessed, the difficulties would be much less. The question of "how you take care" - not handwriting soulless cattle. This is the most adequate way to search contact. Household example: when we know how many sugars to put the person in your tea, it is easier for us to please him with this tea. About the same and emotional needs. Only harder. br>
2 bridge. SINCERITY. It is important to understand a subtlety: the expectations of parents from the us - not so much about specific actions, how about the fact that these acts and deeds were our true and sincere. And often they are offended, it is the lack of desire. For example, to call every day. Even if we call, we begin to get pangs for a "formal" tone for the conversation too soon, distraction by other things, etc. And again the conflict, the accusation of indifference, that "you have to do." It is exhausting, takes all energy and it remains for true sincere feelings and impulses. But they could be. And important they were. But in war as in war. br>
Therefore, remember that it is parents want from you and what you are willing to give spontaneously and from the heart. And as soon as there is the slightest impulse to do something (share about their lives, ask for advice) and do it. Remember that all sincere much weightier and more valuable. Gold vs paper money: paper money only represent wealth, but gold it is. br>
3 bridge. THE FULFILLMENT OF THE PROMISES. There is often the feeling that we want all at once. Do not take on everything. Separate responsible with the other, to the extent possible. But what promised to do. Even if the promises made to parents you are not regularly performed, it is not necessary tit for tat. Fulfilling its promises, you don't get deceived by the Loch. You maintain the stability you need and respect himself through his word. Promised to come back Thursday after six stopped. Promised to hang up after the first insults to your partner - put. This is the case, where appropriate Always and Never. Where democratic undertones only more confusing relationship, papadas robbing gang arbitrary interpretations. br>
4 bridge. ORDER IN YOUR OWN LIFE. You should keep resourceful state, to regularly take the support to ensure its adequacy, to relax and to vosstanavlivaetsya in a relationship with a good contact where you can just be yourself. br>
5 bridge. THE PAST NOT THE PRESENT. In the theme of "difficult parents" not last place is occupied by irritation and anger. Usually they're cut in one big lump, which always infects the communication becomes a huge obstacle. If you get mad at the parents, you with this best eco-friendly do. And, first and foremost, to share my anger at the feelings of real parents (the ones we have today) and internal (those that were). It often turns out that these two anger quite differently colored. For example, the first about the fact that my parents are getting older, getting dumber, weaker, need no longer be support. And the second is about the desire to get even for the mistakes of childhood, the consequences of which you see in yourself now. Choking with anger, we forget about the fact that it was in the past, and it's impossible to go back. Now everything is in your hands. Both good and bad. And to do it in your life is your concern. Because you are now adult. And to settle the old debt with elderly parents is not poztsii adult. Addressing those, who they were, you become the person you were too. That is, a child. To be dependent and helpless, waving fists. br>
6 axle. FORGIVENESS. In any relationship there is always something to ask forgiveness. Ask him first. You may hear the request for forgiveness in return. Of course it is important to understand that it is forgiven and there will be many disappointments, if the parents do not understand what we have wronged, and just say "I'm sorry for what I was(a) wrong." But not invalidate it. In this "empty form" you can enter their grievances. For me, this is very important, as I see this as a way to dialogue. br>
7 bridge. WARM FEELINGS. Remember that you are definitely grateful and find the most direct way to Express this gratitude to the parents. Encourage, praise a good purchase, Hobbies, interests, Dating. In fact, parents are very important our praise. br>
8 bridge. RESTRAINT. Be restrained in anger. Not out of obligation (duty always want to fight). And not one of the virtues of velikolepnia (that can destroy you). And just to not start a chain reaction of conflict, quenching the charges in the ground. So you can save more energy. Rather, you ask "Why should I do that?!" Again, I don't. But, most likely, will choose this if we understand why, looking at what happens from the side. Be kept in the spontaneous expression of any feelings. Streaming absolute openness is very expensive in a relationship without contact. Better enjoy it where you feel comfortable. br>
9 bridge. ACCESSIBILITY. After the scandals and quarrels, explosions and ruptures, cry, get angry, worry, recover, and still remain available for new possibilities to try contact. Maybe not immediately, maybe after a while, but leave a chance for meeting with me and let's figure it out parents. This does not mean that we should open wide open and their entire essence to crawl under again. Not at all. On the contrary, take care of your borders, do not let into the soul. Set zone "living room" and talk to her. br>
Naturally, this is not all I have to say on this topic. But I don't want to be sprayed to much trying to embrace the unembraceable and to push nevpihuemoe. And, of course, these bridges not nine, and much more. But their unique value lies not so much in the service of the message divided by the banks, so that they themselves can become a great meeting place.
!
