Each family in its own way creates himself. However, all couples face three fundamental challenges: the unit of life, family budget, establishing family ties in new ways, as a couple. We decided to talk on this subject with Ivanova Svetlana Vladimirovna, practical psychologist, mediator, business coach and head of the center "Ideal". She told me how transformed these aspects of life in a young family, shared experience and practical recommendations.
- Svetlana, as You consider, whether there is family life without conflict?
Good question. Many are afraid of the word "conflict," although, in fact, is just a "difference of expectations". It often happens that we expect from another of the same that we do for him, and he does not understand what is good, didn't ask. And when young people just beginning to live as a couple, it is natural that they can't be all about each other know. Therefore, conflicts are just an unavoidable part of life together.
- What is the role of conflicts in the family?
you Know, I have couples who come to me on the verge of divorce, and in the process of counseling may sound about such a phrase: "But we're not even cursed!". In this case, you can put an equal sign between the "no swearing" and "not interested" to each other. I'm not calling to argue, I encourage you to engage each other, and this may lead to conflicts. You're different people, and interests you have is still not the same. Therefore I'm for that, in this context, to consider the conflict as an opportunity to bring relations to a new level, as in the game: the plot thickens.
- Why, if the bride and groom are almost never in conflict, after the wedding, love and happiness suddenly breaking on simple household things?
let's Start with the fact that life kills love, and the ORDINARY. And no need to replace these two concepts. And the ordinariness is boring regularity. In this situation, the conflict has all chances to "paint everyday". But seriously, even normal household procedures, e.g. joint cooking dinner can be a very erotic, if you include fantasy. And if we consider one human feature: valued only what is spent by their own efforts, then... draw your own conclusions. I hope everyone remembers the tenet of childhood: the most delicious apples stolen from a neighbor.
- How to treat conflicts and successfully to overcome them?
you Know, one of my favorite phrases, which I personally always follow in life is: "And even if you ate, you got two choices..." It's just a conversation that on any, even the most unpleasant situation is to look at the bigger picture, i.e. to understand that your opinion, even if he is correct, not the only one. When you will be able to understand IT, you will find ways to look for mutually beneficial options, i.e. output relations to a higher level.
- What practical advice would You give to a young family to properly allocate between household responsibilities?
the Key word to distribute, because if it's going to do one, the second runs the risk of becoming a source of irritation for the first. For a start I suggest to think, and record what actions in life are usually made. You need to consider all things, even the wiping of the dust and the discarding of garbage. Then simply agree on who, what and why exactly is responsible for this. It is important that this list was divided about equally, and to take into account is the amount of duties, not the "heaviness" of their execution. It is important to understand that this scheme is extended to couples in which both work. The young men note: sitting at home with a small child is also considered to be work or hire a nanny, to be sure.
- As a newly made family to solve the financial issue, while avoiding conflicts?
to start is to understand that half of the budget will go, oddly enough, on food. Then, consider the mandatory expenses: rent, loans (if any). And the rest of the money: part to spend on their entertainment part to defer the quarterly expenses, to buy clothes, for example. Girls note: the money is better with the boys to talk, avoiding the word "money". Try to replace it, for example: "God! What a nice dress! If I go with you, then everyone will be jealous of you". Turn on the imagination. And yet, it is not necessary "buy-it-herself", because is valued only for what he has invested.
- How to act in a situation when one of the spouses cannot get along with their immediate family?
In fact, they haven't yet invented anything better than prevention. And prevention is based on folk wisdom: in a strange monastery with its Charter, not walk. Learn the Statute of the family that go, and then come. But once it happened, it is here to partner with parents whose lack of understanding will have to show skill and restraint to defend their love to parents, to defend their parents in front of his love. Better to do it at the conflicting sides and categorical. Love between conflicting does not appear, but the chance to stop attacks in both directions.
- Why these three sides of the family life cause the greatest difficulties in relations between the young couple?
When young people begin to live together, it is difficult for them to get used because of household maintenance, money, and communication with the parent families is the three pillars for any family. And this experience at the beginning of a joint life can be taken only from the parent family, there is already debugged. But few take into account that people come from different families, therefore, experience different. And they do not want to part with the familiar! It turns out that the conflicts appear because of the reluctance to change.
- Why it is so important for young couples to establish relations with the relatives? How does this affect the stability of the family?
Remember the story, who all studied in elementary school. There parents did grandfather the tub, like the pig, because he's sloppy eating. And then I saw how their son started doing the same tub for her parents. A very good example. But beyond that, there are such things as life experience (why is his head all rake test?). In the end, before your pair was formed, the parents lived together with your favorite, will you be able to tell something about his personality?
the Atmosphere in the family greatly affects the state of the relationship. From whom and what it basically depends on?
you Know, in psychology there is a phrase "functional family." If you omit a bunch of buzzwords, it is a family in which a person feels support in all senses. As for the "from whom", it should be understood that a one-sided relationship is disharmony, therefore, "invest" shall both. But the woman is more invested emotionally, because emotions are our priority before men. A man invested actions/money. Who is better at it. And the distribution of roles and responsibilities helps both partners to invest in a relationship in equal measure. But if you do not hold back anything, and also complement, isn't it a reason to grow and be successful even in?
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