Своевременностей действий и «вынос мозга».


a lot of articles on the subject, that a wife needs her husband to inspire and praise, and he is doing nothing. And not "pecking at his brain" what is already August and it's time to make a Christmas tree – and that upset will die from the insult ahead of time.

take a look at this question from the other side. When the husband and wife interact as two adults and not as child and parent or cattle and the handler.

Inspiration and support.

That Glory, 45 years, complains that both the first and second wife "clipped his wings", so he missed his ideas, and now all does nothing, just quietly drank from the weight of being, because his wife, stupid and ugly, all my life he ruined, killed his creativity.

Yes, inspiration and support is very important. And there are a few important points: reciprocity, distinction between constructive and non-constructive criticism, the distinction between struggle and cooperation, responsibility for own choice.


Inspiration and support is important not only for men, but also for women. It's really important that both partners supported each other in development, revealing their best qualities in the realization of their aspirations.

the Distinction between constructive and non-constructive criticism.

If a man speaks in the spirit of "Shit your project or Anything you can't do that", then it is not constructive criticism.

But if he sees the possibility of vulnerabilities, their notes, and asks questions on how the author plans to do with this, what are the ways to handle the situation if something goes wrong on the optimal planning scenario, it could be constructive criticism.

And even more so the partner has a right to celebrate, if the idea of destruction for the family or for anyone in particular.

If the wife asks "what are we going to live if the salary you're going to buy your own scuba gear?", it is not clipping the wings, it is a common responsibility and attempt to clarify the situation.

Discernment of struggle and cooperation.

If the partner offers constructive criticism, notes that "here and here difficulties may arise, what is the solution?", then the second partner has a choice:

  • go to the cooperation, listening to the views of his wife, continuing the discussion and taking something useful from its opinion;
  • or go to fight to assert their "independence" and "autonomy" – "you're a fool/a fool, and I'll decide(a)";
  • or go to the "victim" saying "again you've ruined everything(a)".

Responsibility for own choice.

OK, let's say, partner offers non-constructive criticism. Then, the person has a choice:

  • try to talk to a partner to explain that such criticism is unhelpful, that it is unpleasant, to show an example of constructive criticism, support and inspiration – with his hand;
  • If there are no results and the partner does not change his attitude and behavior, then you can end this relationship and go to implement their aspirations without toxic criticism and devaluation on the part of alleged of a loved one.
  • you Can stay in these toxic relationships and not to change anything, abandoning their aspirations. But then this is not the "wife's fault". It's own choice. And the man responsible for it.
  • you Can stay in the relationship, but to realize their aspirations in spite of criticism and lack of support. That's right – don't really depend on the criticism and be inspired yourself.
Praise and gratitude.

Here Sasha, 35 years old, says he's no longer at home to do anything, because his wife is not praise, but sometimes still makes the claim that you did something wrong, so how would it not make sense to do something.

Yes, indeed, gratitude is very important in a relationship. It is important for people to feel that him and his partner will appreciate the action.

And again there is an important reciprocity, a constructive approach to feedback and responsibility.

it so Happens that one of the partners believes that his praise and thanks should be, and what makes the second partner is taken for granted, he should do it. "Wife praised me for all rubbish is emptied – all, I was offended. And the fact that my wife was cooking borscht spent 2 hours of time and a lot of effort – so it's she needs, she's then wife."

doesn't work. This approach is destructive and not strengthening relationships. Gratitude is important for both partners.

If one of the partners is able to Express the gratitude, and the second no, then first try to talk with the second, to explain the importance of this and the example to show how to do it.

but gratitude is also important responsibility. If two adults marry and have a common household, they shall agree on the allocation of responsibilities. "She cooks soup, and he takes out the garbage". She praised him for taking out the trash, he stopped doing it. And praised it for soup? If not, it too will fail to fulfill their responsibilities?

Yes, gratitude is important. It motivates. This creates a positive atmosphere. Strengthens relationships. But the lack of gratitude is not an excuse for failure to comply with its part of responsibilities and arrangements. Gratitude is not a payment for rubbish removal fees removal of debris is the preservation/development of relationships, as a consequence of compliance with the agreements.

And Yes, the relationship should be a place for feedback. It is not only praise, but may be satisfied if the partner really did something not according to the agreements. If the partner makes the claim, perhaps for good reason? It is important that feedback was constructive. But it is also important to prevent and withstand constructive criticism.

Sovremennosti actions and "brain stem".

Yura and Marina, 22 years old. Live in a small town, graduated College, moved to a new, yet empty apartment. Marina with her salary bought a washing machine and asked Yura to install it. While the washer is not installed, Marina washes hands. Yura complains that for two months Marina "makes his brain" in the evenings "when he has already connected the washing machine?". He in fact said that will be connected, what else does she want?

of Course, the "brain stem" it is unpleasant and nobody likes it. In this issue important respect, responsibility, compliance, timeliness, and constructive approach. Otherwise, the "brain stem" may be well founded natural phenomenon.

To one can be important to the Christmas tree was made in January. For a second it might not be so important, it it in August does not interfere. Maybe he was just too lazy to do something to eliminate it?

it is Important to respect the requests of each other, it is important clearly to agree on the terms (not just "the Christmas tree it is necessary to bring" and "take, please, the tree in the course of this week"), it is important that it be respected, both in terms of the actions themselves, and in terms of time. It is important to constructively give feedback. But it's also important to be able to withstand constructive criticism and take responsibility for the violation of the agreements on their part.


the Images of characters collectively, the coincidences are accidental.


Source images - deviantart.

Ivanova Elena

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