When we call our children what we mean? When you need to let go of the child and why is it so difficult? I propose to consider these questions in the article.
Why are our children?
first we find the answer in physiology. Mom and dad pass on their genes to the child, and the mother and does is inextricably linked to the baby during pregnancy, they are a single organism. Looking at a newborn baby, parents and other loved ones trying to figure out who he looks like. Of course, the similarity is not absolute. For parents, genes are the genes of hundreds of generations of their ancestors, which mix to form a unique Person.
Some of the similarities are obvious, because we say "Mama's eyes" "father's nose". The child is perceived as a continuation, this is part of an innate behavioral program, encouraging to take care of the baby.
Coming into this world, each of us needs the care of adults, it affects our survival. The famous story of Mowgli children is always sad. Children deprived of communication with people are short-lived and are unable to integrate into society. The task of the mother - through communication to reflect the emotions of baby show their, containerevent his experiences (to share, to help deal with them). In turn, the infant repeats for mom (and dad provided his active involvement in education) intonation, movements, words. A grown up child copies the actions, and then repeats the judgments of parents and so on. The younger the child, the more he is dependent, and the more he tries to incorporate dad's and mom's traits, their broadcast policies and regulations.
Why our children are not?
Again, back to physiology. Even at the level of genetics we have shown not only similarity, but also unique. Generally speaking, if Mama's eyes and daddy's nose, then the ears, it is unclear whose - or inherited from distant ancestor, or their own unique.
to Be mom and dad really need when you're helpless when your strength is not strong. The transition from mom and dad to separate and himself called growing up. It is through the critical point, the main of which - 3 years, adolescence, and the transition from adolescence into adulthood.
1. Dostignuv the age of three, little one much wants to do "himself", showing disobedience, his desires, his will.
2. A teenager seeks to understand who he is, rethink your past experience and much of it is denied. A typical image of the teenager - rebellious, and negative. The anger and aggression he needs to part with their innocence and dependence. All the case through, then the teenager will through the prism of his experience or is expelled from life.
3. Full inclusion adult the world (20-25 years) often coincides with the start of work. Reality falls upon the person fully confronts him with his responsibility, with limitations, with the need constantly to make choices. It's hard only in the case that in previous years had failed to grow.
Why it's hard to let go of the child?
the Newborn little one absolutely trust those who take care of him. Parents in the eyes of the little man is still that the gods are omnipotent, unwavering. Power over the little child huge and for some, it is a great temptation, which is hard to refuse. Parents, without realizing it, can treat the child as property.
This attitude reflects some popular phrase:
1. "you Need to have a baby, to a glass of water was served in old age". "Giving birth to yourself" - it turns out that the child should serve the needs and desires of the parent. The child performs the role of a servant.
2. "And who are you?"- implies that is necessarily need to be someone, to be like parents. The dissimilarity causes a negative reaction and reprisemedia.
3. "to Give her husband a son" - speaking so, it is important to understand that gift, we can do anything, it becomes our property.
4. "Children, when small, so good" is a good means "easy", dependent, means more than defending their desires and boundaries. Talking as if he misses the child's condition, in which it is easy to manage.
5. "Tell me, where is his button?" - can be understood as "I don't do it, I want to quickly and easily affect the child as to the mechanism."
the Parents initially invest in children - pregnancy planning, provision of vital needs, care, developmental activities with the child, planning his future, help in difficult situations. It would be desirable to hear feedback. The less mental resources of the parents, the more difficult it is to give, the more they themselves want returns.
the Resource parent will be happy with the smile of a child, manifestations of his personality, he's resilient, informed, flexible, taking in the child.
Prisursky adjusts the parent of the child under their expectations, overly focused on rate. He may seek to fulfill through a child of his childhood dreams, and in extreme cases, require adult children to compensate for spending on their childhood (education).
the Lack of the resource is the consequence of personal difficulties. A feeling of inner emptiness, loneliness, the lack of fulfilment and dissatisfaction in the marital relationship, their own traumatic childhood experiences - these wounds "filled in" kids, but they are not cured.
Talk in the plane right-wrong, good-bad consider ineffective, because I say that everything has its price. A dependent child does not live his life as a dependent parent. When talking about the child, the mother says, "we sit in the classroom," she demonstrates that perceives child younger than he is. "We" is appropriate to talk about a child under the age of three, when merging with him more strongly. Use "we" with a child defending his "I" that wants to "himself" means to perceive it as a fusion with the mother and to hinder development. To block the rebellion of a teenager means to block the desire to grow and become independent. After the teenager rebels, in fact, not against specific individuals but against the past, where he was a dependent child.
the following Occurs: the child is through affection (when he is more like a parent) and Department (when tends to be different) is committed to the freedom (through the analysis and reinterpretation of past experience becomes). Kids always like us and not like they do not belong to us.
This idea is very accurately reflected in his poem Kahlil Gibran (part of the poem "the Children" from the book "the Prophet"):
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life seeking itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they don't belong to you.
You can give them your love but not your thoughts,
Because they have their own thoughts.
You can give the shelter their bodies but not their souls,
Because their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot enter even in your dreams.
You may try to become like them, but don't try to make them like you.
Because life does not flow back and does not live in the past.
ideally, as an adult, the person relies on himself and feels about uncle Feodor from "Prostokvashino": "I'm nobody. I am alone boy. Your own."
Yes, part was obtained from the parents forever lives in us, but she lives in a different capacity - re-interpreted, complementing our independence and uniqueness.
the Task of parents - to feel that moment when the child is able to cope with the challenges of life and to give him that right.
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