Many people often use a strategy of avoidance in order not to experience fear, alarm or fail. There is also avoidant personality disorder in which a person totally avoids the behavior, emotions and thoughts.
People with avoidant type of behavior we want love, acceptance, friendship, but they usually have few friends, but relationship lacks depth and closeness. Such people are very difficult to enter into a close relationship.
At the heart of the loneliness of such people is a deep fear of rejection. Beliefs can be: “I'm worse than others”, “I am not worthy”, “They will criticize and reject me if they find a closer”.
People with avoidant behavior is difficult to endure negative thoughts, sadness or boredom. To do this, they use something that allows you to avoid the unpleasant feelings and emotions, bad habits, overeating, alcohol, watching TV shows and so on.
According to different theories, avoidant behavior occurred under the influence of early experiences with rejection and criticism of close and important person.
repeat the pain and suffering is the worst thing that can happen to a man, so he chooses a complete withdrawal from contact. These people have a strong desire “people”, but they ignore it so as not to be disappointed.
Schema
Avoidant people have dysfunctional beliefs, or schemas that interfere with interpersonal interactions and greatly complicate life.
These beliefs or schemas may not be recognized or be aware of it is unclear. Sometime, most likely in childhood, they are faced with harsh criticism or rejection from significant person. It helped to form the belief: "something wrong”, “am I wrong”, “but”, “I Have nothing”, “I fail”, etc.
the Schema or beliefs formed in relation to other people: “People rejected me”, “People turn away from me”, “They are all the same”, “They are better than me” etc.
Not all who are faced with criticism or rejection in childhood will become avoidant personalities. In order for the scheme been formed, the appropriate interpretation of the situation by the man.
Example: ‘If I don't love my parent, then why would you expect me to love other people?”, “If I don't need even close, that means everyone else too”, “If my father treated me badly, I mean really terrible”, “I'm defective, so I have no friends and nobody loves me” etc.
throughout life, people with avoidant behavior making a logical error: they think that others will treat him as well as treated once close people. They are convinced that they have some significant shortcomings and flaws that have been discovered previously, significant others, and these disadvantages can discover all around.
People avoid social situations, intimate relationships and friendship, because they are afraid to be rejected and to deal with feelings following rejection. But at the same time, they are always waiting for rejection, and these feelings also cause them great discomfort.
Error of thinking and self-criticism
the thinking Errors (automatic thoughts) underlying avoidant behavior are varied. Basic error: personification.
the Man believes responsible only to himself: “I was rejected because I'm ugly/stupid/a failure/inadequate” and so on. Personification is the attribution of responsibility for everything bad that happens.
Another mistake of thinking characteristic of people with avoidant behaviour: the prediction of the future. "I suck”, “I fail in all and they'll see that I'm worthless/incompetent”, “He(a) leave me”, “They will criticize me”, etc.
Another error: suerheroine. “Me nobody will not like”, “and I always 'm going to lose”, “I am forever will remain a loser”, “I Have nothing will not work».
the Risk of errors of thinking that people believe them without checking. That is why they are called "automatic negative thoughts”. This kind of pattern of thinking. He “triggered” without logic. But blindly trusting them, people make mistakes even more.
Liars
the Schemas and beliefs that shape a person an idea of themselves as wrong, ugly and unsuccessful. But the man is forced at least once to interact with the world. So, he decides to resort to the “hype”. “If I pretend to be someone else, no one will know who I am really”, “I have to pretend to like people” etc.
This tactic binds and imposes even more stringent restrictions: in no case can not allow someone close, “deception” will reveal. To be yourself not totally, because “I'm bad" and I immediately rejected.
People with avoidant behavior very shy, always trying to please others and do not tolerate conflict.
They are well characterized by the following beliefs: “He will love me only if I'm going to do for him all that he wants”, “I can't tell you no”, “I have to please them and like (all)”, “If I make a mistake, I'll cease to be friends”, “He will notice my shortcomings and leave me”.
Incorrect evaluation of the behaviour and reactions of other people
People with avoidant behavior are wrong to assess the behavior and reactions of other people. Neutral or positive evaluation is perceived as negative. They often seek the favor of the people, especially in front of a minor (e.g., sellers or drivers), hoping to obtain approval. For them, no one thought badly of them. Because if anyone would appreciate them too bad for them it will be “fair” rating, they will not be subjected to logical analysis.
Avoidant personality fear like the plague any situations with assessments: job interviews, dates, locations of profiles on Dating sites, and so on. Typical belief: “I'm not a product on the market to be assessed”.
these people Have no internal assessment criteria themselves. They completely rely on any evaluation of other people.
They tend to ignore any positive information and feedback about: “I just got lucky”, “They think I'm smart, but just don't know who I am” etc.
Such people illusion that one fine morning they Wake up and all will be well. Close relationships, love and the perfect job will arise by themselves. They don't believe you can achieve something themselves and wait for the desired fate or other people.
What to do
When working with a psychologist or therapist, such people demonstrate the behavior that is inherent in everyday life. They may begin to avoid therapy. Avoidant people fear rejection and believe him.
They may try to seem better than it is, to play a regular role, not open and not to advertise the problem: “And here I just came, nothing special happened, all is well”. Most importantly, no one thought that this man was bad.
In cognitive-behavioral therapy, is fundamental to dealing with negative thoughts and beliefs of a person, detection of errors in thinking and solving them, as well as to develop assertive behavior.*
*Assertiveness — the human ability not to depend on external influences and assessments, to independently regulate their own behavior and take responsibility for it.
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