In coaching, it is customary to distinguish two types of “I”:
the first “I”. This is the inner voice that we continuously monitors and asks "whether All correctly I do”. This internal voice of our parents or other significant persons. the state of the first “I” is the inner tension, stiffness, lack of spontaneity.
the second “I”. This is our free “I”. Free, primarily from a critical evaluation of the first “I”. The second “I” is very large, just a huge potential that you can develop, if you can reduce the impact of the first “I”. And, in principle, coaching is largely built around this double question: “How to reduce the influence of the first “I” and how to let the second “I” sound in full voice”?
On a recent counselling session request from the client was worded as follows: “How to overcome the influence of the internal controller, which constantly checks – am I doing it right?”
Actually, this is one of the most frequent queries. In the case of customer, the reason was primarily that her mother, with a high degree of anxiety, was in control every step daughter in her childhood. And trying to control now, if the distance in communication is reduced, for example, if a joint vacation.
At previous sessions of counseling already worked through a symbiotic relationship of the mother – the client with the help of a technician coaching through the images. In this respect, it is felt the positive dynamics in the direction of an increasing awareness that the woman (client, 40 years) are often still in a relationship with a mother acting like a child and stay dependent on it.
What was the result of constant control on the part of the mother? Women have formed the motivation to fail. Let me remind you that there are two types of motivation – with a focus on the success (positive) and bad (negative).
If a child did not give the slightest room for error, and in adulthood people will always worry about how something is not done correctly. It would not make a mistake.
In the end, this setup greatly affects the life script:
- difficult to build relationships and to socialize, because in my head the same question: “whether All correctly I do?”
- hard to set myself difficult tasks – problems in fulfillment;
- low self-esteem. My own online self-assessment in terms of hypercontrol from my mother just could not be formed. And also – a consequence, relationship problems and incomplete self-realization.
Why is it hard to take on complex tasks with negative motivation?
If you have motivation to fail, then the person prefers to set myself easy tasks. And successfully solves them.
Tasks of average weight can be dangerous for the reason that in case the errors will again begin to sound the voice of the first “I” and frustration about the failure may be too painful.
What kind of output is possible in such a situation?
First - self-esteem
did You notice that parental control had a negative impact on the self-esteem of the client? But to build self esteem is possible if you go to the level of adult, equal relationships with others.
That is, respect the boundaries of other people, autonomy, equal energy exchange and disposition to the contact with other people (otherwise impossible exchange).
artistic realization, in turn, occurs if a person is constantly evolving and gradually raises the bar of complexity of the tasks. And it is important to answer the question – do I like to do what I do?
to bring to similar issue, in my opinion, you need to carefully and you should not do it at the beginning of the therapeutic relationship. Because facing reality and understanding that people are just not able to want to fulfill the goals of others is likely to be painful.
you have generated the credibility of the therapist.
the Second area – the control of the mother
Here, in my opinion, works well emotionally-shaped therapy with the use of paradoxical permissions when you work with Intracom mother. Allow the mother to be wrong.
the Third area – a resource of the self
Here you can offer a job through the sponsorship of the resource on the time line. The client and coach move to the beginning of the time line when the resource of self-evaluation began to take shape. Coach is a sponsor of the resource, and it is important that the coach resource was formed. Then together the client along with a coach, moving to the present, and finally, in the future. Then it is important that the client can establish a connection from the future to the beginning of the time line and to transfer the resource. Then go back to the beginning, to resource myself from the future and the second time to go over the time line independently. And it is possible to transmit the resource itself for the time being!
Equipment coaching well with techniques emotionally-shaped therapy. And psychological counseling can be used in themes:
difficulties in the relationship;
- self-realization;
- low self-esteem.
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