Anger is a difficult topic to discuss, and the more manifestations in our society. We find it difficult to accept yourself raging, and we often condemn ourselves and others for the manifestation of anger. It is not uncommon that we are trying a last effort not to get angry and eventually "explode" uncontrolled aggression. And then the suffering and blame ourselves. And sometimes Vice versa. We find ourselves in an endless spiral of mutual accusations and are unable to get out of it.
what shall we do with this anger?
What do we do when we are annoyed by loved ones?
is it Normal to be angry with us or something wrong?
I must say that anger and aggression inherent in us by nature. From a biological point of view, they are adaptive in nature – a reaction to the threat, to protect its interests and borders. Also anger can be seen as a defensive response to my "I". In this case, it can be enabled in response to the feeling of helplessness, envy, fear, guilt, shame, fatigue, etc.
usually, before the feeling of anger arises a feeling that we are missing and already find myself raging. What can we skip?
- first and foremost, we're going to miss your fatigue and exhaustion. We can pile on more and new obligations for themselves and others, and at some point, just not survive and explode. In this case, the anger is going to play the role of a safety valve from complete exhaustion.
- we Also can't help but notice your narcissistic shame. He usually comes to a very responsible and ideal parents who really want to see your child successful and one of the best. However, as a rule for their desire such parents do not see the real needs of their child. When a child experiences the situation, condemned by the public, the parent can zasiditsya his "failure" as a parent, and angry. Sometimes the parent realizes that the child is not to blame. Parent does not see his shame.
- Sometimes we are angry at their impotence. We may lack the inner strength and power over their children or life situations. We can see that we are not omnipotent. It can scary to piss off.
- Sometimes we can get mad enough to cause us pain and frustration. For example, if the husband promised to leave and then changed his mind.
- And sometimes we are very much worried about their children, husbands, marriage, health and can't get rid of your increased anxiety. Of course we get angry every time when there is an alarm situation and lay the responsibility on others for their alarm.
anyway, we're angry, but openly angry, we can be very difficult. After all, we can blame our failure as a mother, wife, daughter. Someone can hang on us the label of hysteria. Someone "good" will stick us with the label of "sick" person. It's hard to be. But I believe that if you are angry, you are not "bad" and "good". Anger You're helping yourself, spouses, children, and all the people around You to life without distortion. You do appear to life and acquire their face and shape. I would say that anger is the energy of life. But more on that later.
Due to the fact that anger in our relationships are often poorly presented to us it can be difficult to properly present and interpret. If we talk about to treat, often we instead hear the raging dissatisfaction with the situation and his attempt to Express their needs, I think that anger is necessarily aimed against us. We can fantasize that leave us or not like us anymore. Although often angry not against us, but mad at myself.
the situation with the leaves can hurt the inside of us of our trauma from childhood, when we heard of manipulation from the closest people – moms and dads. Something like: - "get Dressed quickly, or I'll leave you alone to spend the night in the garden". Or "behave, give to the police." And we are not angry, was not shown, did not exist, and satisfy the desire of our parents, forgetting about their own. Childhood is the time dependence of important adults. When this dependency manipulates adult, the child may be scared and anxious. It is not to anger, as is afraid to break the connection. He simply ceases to be himself. Looks into the face of parents, trying to please them.
Our anger can cause: violation of our borders (physical and mental), frustration from loved ones and not people, uncomfortable situation, the depreciation of unsatisfied desire. More important in this case, from my point of view, not what has caused our anger, but how we manifest our anger. We can show it is not adequate and not adequate. This means appropriately commensurate with the situation in the direct "I" messages (saying about their feelings and not about the other person), at times. Not adequately – it may be in the form of accumulated affect, almost unconsciously, in the passive forms of aggression (manipulation, devaluation, suppression, retention, etc (can look on the Internet "Types of aggression enveloping Sam Vaknin)), inadequate situation (beat light necessary).
Anger can be expressed not only directly or passively (indirectly). Sometimes we choose options bring temporary relief. After all the anger accumulated inside needs to come out and if we do not practice and ability to Express it directly and constructively, we either use passive forms of aggression, or facilitate (to yell, to transform into creativity, break or smash something, to write angry letters and draw furiously to dance, etc.) or direct our anger and aggression on themselves (autoaggression).
I want to go back to the question, why a person might need anger? The first thing that begs to have one. We are aggressive to food. We grind the treated saliva, degradable in the stomach, the intake of her useful items. Of course, the angry need to protect themselves, to defend its borders and rights. (WH to say "No"). It is very important to be in a relationship. To reach, to grow, to advance, to offer, to compete, to show, to want more. To raise children. And just to fit the male archetype of the breadwinner, the hunter, warrior, defender.
If we can not or do not allow ourselves to be angry, you missed something. We avoid people that cause our anger and thus narrows their sense of the world. We lose ourselves in situations where there is a reason for anger at the partner and constantly make concessions, confirming its insignificance (a sure path to depression and dissatisfactions). We will explode over little things, or to earn a psychosomatic disease. We will make others to blame for our anger and the failures are not playing an active role in the construction of his life. We fall into addiction are not able to defend their point of view. We will be easy to manage and we may lose the taste for life. And with all this at heart we will still be aware of their anger and feel guilty. So is the game worth the candle?
In parting, I would like to share your own observations about how to learn to control his anger.
- you just Need to learn to monitor your anger in the early stages and make direct contact with their senses in time not hoarding them inside. For example, sensing the depreciation , to say about it right partner.
- can Also help the ability to ask for help. This will allow us to dwindle to the point of exhaustion and are attentive to their needs.
- works Well for reducing anxiety about our children's education. Ie not supervise children and teach them to cope with difficulties themselves. This will reduce your anxiety, and therefore cause for anger.
- Take yourself and your mistakes with a humane side. We all make mistakes.
- Take the power for your life in your hands. You do not need to accuse anyone and your kids will be better to hear about your requirements and needs.
- don't expect very much from children. It will save you from frustration and narcissistic shame. Better help them find themselves.
- Notice a slight irritation and discomfort in order to prevent uncontrolled explosion.
- Allow yourself to talk with their loved ones directly about your discomfort and irritation
- Poorite songs
- Indulge in satisfying their needs and desires.
I read a humorous picture that Masha from the cartoon "Masha and bears" heard the phrase: "You're so beautiful when you're angry." And it's true. In anger a lot of energy and life. When we are angry we open up to closer relations. In anger there is also a lot of trust and recognition in the partner of Another unique. And I think about what Skinner writes Robin in the book "Family and how to survive" about the anger - "..the ability to release the aggressive energy, appears to be associated also with the ability to easily defuse the sexual tension..." Good sex You friends:-)
note: Many of the ideas in this article are borrowed from a wonderful psychologist and author of books - Irina Mlodik.
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