do you Often make a decision without regard for the opinions of others? How to dress your child in kindergarten? How to acquaint the parents with the chosen one? What color to dye your hair? What picture to put in the "Instagram"? How to choose the curtains in the bedroom? Laugh? I hope so.
it would Seem that the most personal decisions we make only after make sure that everything is well and the esteem of others must satisfy. But often it turns out that the decision in the end is not happy, and we never get. Vicious circle drives gradually into existence by the rules with which we disagree. Happiness is out of the question, isn't it?
What will people think?
I always ask my clients: "what is happiness to you?" And get a very specific answer: "Inner peace, confidence and freedom."
It's elementary! To live the way you want. Only communicate with nice people, choose clothes, hairstyle and lifestyle, are comfortable, doing things you love. But somehow we do it very rarely.
Since childhood we hear: "What will people think? Stop acting like this in public! Be quiet, modest... Behave properly and with dignity". I guess that makes sense. But the border is quickly erased, and it is not clear why this is correct, and some not. Why is it right to do so as asks that our soul, and as required by the eternally dissatisfied with everything, public opinion.
Limited scope for social preferences, we turn into bio-robots, ready to serve for the good of the environment, forgetting about their desires. And then you go on to psychologists and trainings "How to find yourself."
Why is it so hard to allow myself to live how I want? Because it's a habit. To abandon it is difficult, but worth trying.
1. Admit to yourself that to please everyone will not work.
Imagine a typical situation.
You are standing in a queue of some institutions with child. He runs, squirms, climbs on a chair in the Shoe, cries... your First thought on the machine: "I think I'm a bad mother and my child is ill-mannered." At the same time,almost everyone in the queue at home have children who behave exactly the same (if they haven't managed to scare to death penalties). Such behavior for a child normal. Abnormal our response.
somewhere inside of you, "grandma" is starting to get annoyed and pull up the baby. The inner "mom" is worried about his well-being, and the inner "child" is also tired of standing and wants ice cream.
Someone worth listening to in this moment? What behavior will be useful for you and your child? Not exactly "Granny". Well, it will calm you, what will please women in the queue. So what? In 15 minutes you will leave more never will see. And the child? He is with you, he will learn the rule: "No matter what I want, it's how I feel aunties," and will continue the story with your grandchildren. Sad somehow.
on the other hand, these "aunties and uncles" in turn, too should not take you Chad for the manna to worship his every move, right?
make the right decision. Your child is not the navel of the earth. But surrounding you are not of the Lord. It is most difficult to stay in contact with them, while respectful to circumvent the boundaries of others. This skill can be trained. It will take time, patience with yourself and desire.
Ask: "How do I feel? Why is my child naughty? What can I do to keep me and baby comfortable without harming others?" The solution presents itself.
2. Get rid of your fear.
Good. You can do that. And does not deny, and others to please. Only freedom don't feel. Why? I suppose that prevents fear.
Afraid to be first in something, afraid to do unusual things, afraid to change.
Another example.
a Woman tired of relationships. Husband she no longer loves, no warmth, and life seems gray and dull. She would like to go, but still can not solved. What will she say to the families? Like look at her teachers in school? What words will find her people. "Left", "left children without a father", "overworked", "who needs you now"... She'll be okay, she's scared not to go and look in the eyes of others, which is all well and good.
This story can take years. The fear of being in the eyes of others "loser" was stronger than the desire to breathe freely.
What to do if there is fear?
Ask yourself the question: "How will all end?" Logic and common sense in this case can greatly help. Ask: "If I act like I want, what will happen?" And honestly give yourself a full term.
the Husband will be offended, will fall into a deep depression and drinking. Mom will worry and to drink Valerian. Girlfriends all at once faint. A teacher of geography urgently arrange a parent meeting to collect money for the rehabilitation of her son.
Weigh the ACTUAL negative consequences of their decisions. And then draw a picture of happiness.
I'm a free woman. I have the opportunity to focus on yourself find new Hobbies. I can chat with interesting men and spend the weekend with friends...
3. Start small.
Take everything and turn right — not helpful. Try making the first tentative steps carefully. It's like you re-learn to walk. Take the time to burn bridges.
For starters, buy yourself a new thing. Let it be more bright than you're used to. Make a new hairstyle or change your perfume. Go to the new location. Join a group for dancing.
Start to get pleasure from decisions.
I'm Sure that the results will please you.
Every day, discovering new ideas, by allowing yourself joy, you will gradually be freed from the accusations of the inner critic.
article written for the project, psy.systems
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