In contrast to the fear of rejection, which is based on the sense of shame for experiencing the needs and personal characteristics, fear of abandonment much deeper, reminiscent of the panic from a state of oblivion, of nonexistence.
How to understand, does the self have this fear? What are its causes? How to deal with it?
In General, the origins of this state need to look for in early childhood, before the age of years. For example, abandoned parents and grandparents of a small child (it is a basic undermining of the security), high level of anxiety of the mother for the fetus at the stage of pregnancy (in this case, the child inside the womb and during the first year of life acutely as mothers), serious injury, surgery, hospitalization after birth, any threat to life, coupled with panic fear of being abandoned or left alone. In psychology, the condition is called "trauma of abandonment" or "trauma of abandonment" (James Hollis).
As with any sense, that fear is a continuum from mild anxiety, which is in more or less each person (for example, fear of spiders, darkness, meeting with the tiger, etc.), to the strongest of unbearable horror (in humans, various dissociative feeling – I don't exist, I am leaving my body and watching myself), until a traumatic state of passion. Directly the depth of the injury will depend on how early man was thrown in childhood, who threw whether resources to cope with a panic condition.
Some personality in adulthood may experience fear of abandonment? It's the people who do not have the basic trust to the world, others, even yourself. They always expect trick from partner, fear that they will turn away and leave, so trying to control the situation, including the behavior of the partner. Relationship with such a person is quite complicated. General psychological state of anxiety and personality unstable and painful – the absence of a relationship implies the sensation of non-existence, losing himself, and being in a relationship, people are constantly afraid to be thrown again. In addition, over a period of time until the person tried to cope with the grief of loneliness, he learned to live alone and to rely only on themselves. Accordingly, to trust the world and people around anxious personality would be difficult.
In these moments the problem is very similar to fear of rejection. Usually the person finds a situation which reproduce previously experienced trauma, unconsciously seeks to ensure that abandoned him, or finds unstable relations identity (with a similar fear or devaluing).
What do you do with such an injury?
- to be Aware of the trauma of abandonment, make it – regardless of the desires of the individual, it is and will not go away, and periodically one will be influenced by the experience of emotional turmoil. Make the decision that he would not be influenced by fear of abandonment. Believe in yourself (each person is interesting in its own way and worthy of love and attention); to understand that in life there will be someone willing to appreciate and accept all of the personality traits of your partner.Learn how to monitor the situation, indicating that the person gets into the funnel of the trauma, and try with an effort of will to stop them.Learn to manage your fears, to rise above, to develop confidence in their abilities (e.g. "No, I will not leave. This situation is quite similar to my childhood traumas. I'm adult (-th), you know that the partner loves me").Carefully examine your unconscious behavior to that partner turned away (this will allow to analyze in detail the situation).Surround yourself with people you can trust. They must become external resource for support. Definitely need to get feedback from them.Learn to reach out, but be very careful and carefully select the interviewees for candid conversations.To come up with phrases that will act comforting. Record and use them as mantras, for example, "I will never allow me to do so. I will live a better life, as worthy of love and acceptance! This time everything will be fine."
is it Possible to deal with this trauma? What could be the problem?
In the first place is difficult to detect the mere presence of such injuries (for example, no one to ask). Regarding injury inside the mother's womb, it is doubly difficult – about their fears and anxieties experienced by the mother and not to tell. In addition, the person who has experienced feelings of abandonment, it will be difficult to trust themselves and others, to realize that she really can love, accept yourself with all faults. If the person doesn't trust his own feelings, he will not be able to understand the funnel of the injury and to understand at what stage included traumatic experiences, also difficult to get rid of inner anxiety.
What approaches and methods can still help? Various bodily-oriented techniques, trainings, seminars. Recommended after a visit to each training to go to a therapist to discuss experiences (an average of 2-4 sessions).
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