more and more couples today realize that the family relationships – this is daily work for both partners. If you compare a family with building a house, we can say that this process has the same long and endless process. Even when completed all project work and the house is built, requires a lot of attention and care on the part of its residents. Structure it is important to heat in the cold season, take out the garbage and clean the dust, periodically clean the Windows and floors, wash the curtains and change the Wallpaper on the walls to check the integrity of the roof and much more.
one of my clients referred to this metaphor and said about himself: "I remember with what interest and excitement I was building my "house"! Laid the Foundation and erected the walls, strengthen the roof and insulated Windows. Then I went to him, lay down on the couch in front of TV and relax. All! I did my part... But once the roof was leaking. I stuck out my pelvis and thought I'd make something later. Soon the rain stopped, and I about it forgot. Then there was another signal – a crack in the wall, but the yard was warm, and I put the solution to this problem. And now a collapsed wall, I'm cold and I don't know where to start repair."
Talking about the house, the man talked about his relationship with his wife. At the time it announced its desire to terminate the marriage. Luckily the Union managed to save just thanks to the participation and hard work on both sides. But each of us has their own ideas about the verb "to work". We mean by it. And along with that have something in common, that it is absolutely necessary for every family is the ability to navigate and act in crises. Changes in family life natural and inevitable. everything flows, Everything changes. Circumstances change, desires and needs, the character of partners and their claims. It is impossible to step twice into the same river.
the First stage of relationship is always bright, euphoric the period of recognition of the partner. In the very beginning we see each other only the best quality. We even idealize your partner, giving him the traits that I would like to see in it. Love sees no flaws – she's blind. Because of this blindness we accumulate resource: positive emotions and energy. And for the further development requires at least three conditions: living together under one roof, collaboration and coincidence of some values of life.
Everyday life, the separation of life and common living space quickly dispel the state of love. Starts difficult the period of adaptation and recognition of the other side of the character. each has its own habits, its own rules, which were purchased in the family of their parents. Just because people grow up in different families, in most cases, their views about the relationship of husband and wife are not the same. The first tensions and conflicts – conflicts of interests and needs. Most marriages break up in this place, after futile attempts to remake the partner for themselves and their ideas.
If you know before photos were printed from film. So, looking at the first two stages of relationship men and women, I would have marked them as "love" is admiring the brightly colored photos, and "lapping" is the detection of a negative film from which it was printed image. When we look at the negativity within us awakens Procrustes, and we make futile attempts to remake the partner. After all, we know exactly how it should be!
As a rule, the desire to change the other finds its realization, breaking down all illusion, there comes despair. We analyze the time spent together and begin to weigh the "good" and "bad". Depending on what advantage is our simple choice to leave or stay? It's not about "likes, dislikes". Love here even does not smell. Here about the ability to accept or not to accept the shortcomings of others. Of course, in that case, if allowed to have their own.
Love can't be blind, it is sighted and sees all the weaknesses. Love can forgive and accept. Only after taking the shady side of the partner, we can talk about the birth of true Love. Love sees no flaws, and Love their loves. Between a crush and love is a lot of obstacles, conflicts and misunderstanding. This is a regulatory crisis. It happens with everyone. But someone is able to survive, and some don't. The sad fact is that this period can go into a latent phase in a chronic condition with periodic exacerbations. In this case, life becomes a continuous suppression of himself and the other.
the Crisis is always part of growth, but it is important not to lose the main landmarks and find the answers to the questions: "Who am I? Where am I? Where am I? And what can I do now? I'm the victim or the owner of his life? I'm in the swamp or in the way of growth? I leave the relationship or to change ways of interacting? What is more likely: to change yourself or your partner? Find a new one and the first to break with old habits? With these questions, it is important to understand yourself or with the help of a mentor. But no one – no one has the right to decide for you or judge your actions.
For women, the stalled and want to understand something about myself in crisis, I have compiled a number of questions which must be answered in writing in his diary. I hope the answers will help you to find points of support and to see more ways out of apparent impasses. The technique of "My points of support in a family crisis" start with a description of some event in your relationship of love. One pleasant memory, and then dive into the answers to the questions. Will give this at least one hour and inform the person you trust. In case you suddenly become "sink" in the analysis of your life, take a break, go back to a pleasant memory or a conversation with a trusting person, and later continue writing practice.
"My point of support in the family crisis." Checklist women's issues.
• why do I need a man?
• What are the weaknesses and vices I'm willing to forgive him?
• what About your own weaknesses and flaws can I tell? the
• As I understand it the male and female vulnerability? What they mean to me?
• What I know about his pain? As bring your own?
• What helps me gain the ability to speak so that he could hear me?
• what is my female and his male power?
• What are my actions and words strengthen our Union, and which destroy?
• What words and actions I am able to awaken in him a sense of guilt and shame?
• How I stop myself, protecting our Union from accusatory action and destructive statements?
• What I want from him and what can I give?
• How today we care about balance "Take – Give"?
• if I Know that it is vital today? If I have what he needs?
• In a familiar manner, I represent your wishes?
• How do I develop the art of expressing requests?
• What helps me to survive the rejection? How many failures in a row I can tolerate? If he knows about my limits and the limits?
• How and what words we Express our gratitude to one another?
• What I admire about my wife and what upsets?
• so we live the difficulties and crises in the relationship?
• helps us to reach agreement?
• How do we distribute responsibility for events in our lives?
• How our relationship distributed rights and responsibilities? What I say? He is responsible for what? What we have right?
• what for me manifests the equality of men and women?
If after performing the above practices, you will not be able to deal independently with their points of support and their missing parts, in this case it is not necessary to postpone the issue for a long time, and to seek the assistance of their mentor. Do not wait until "the wall will collapse completely and the building will spread across the seams."
take care of your home!
author of text
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