the Need for love is as natural for man as breathing or eating.
the Child comes into the world, filled with love and this love carries in itself of course. He loves everyone, he is open to the world and lovingly explores it and all of its inhabitants.
And here he meets the constraints. He was beginning to learn what love is and what is not, how to love right and how wrong.
This training is in family and in society, and in religion.
Family
at First the child learns the ways of love, which took possession of his parents and the "mother's milk" absorb her fears, her pain. Because emotionally and energetically infant associated with her mother and lives by her emotions, her condition.
it Often happens that with the birth of a child, the mother devotes herself to him, forgetting about myself and about her husband. (The husband – the father of the child, in this case, can go to work, to alcohol or to another woman. But more about that in another article).
She tells the child:
"You're my joy you're my love you're my life, etc."
She puts in it these concepts, twisting them with him, with him and with his sacrifice. She demonstrates this sacrifice, forcing him to the understanding of love – as the presence of another person depends on that person.
Then she teaches the child forms of manifestation of love:
"Show me how you love your mum. Hug. Kiss" and gives the child to answer favorably-promotional praise.
Then she transmits to the child what forms of love she does not accept. Trying to raise a child "right", obedient, successful, she rejects it those qualities which in her view, hinder him in life:
"When you do so... I don't love you". "Don't do that, you have me a heart attack!" "Smart kids don't do that", etc.
the Child refuses disapproving behavior out of love for the mother. But his behavior – inherent part of his personality, from the manifestations which he refused, and sacrificed, for the sake of mom/dad/grandma etc can no longer love yourself unconditionally. He suffers from guilt when shows quality, unapproved by parents, considering himself unworthy, bad.
Society
If you look at literary works – the love in them is described solely in terms of suffering, pain, and sacrifice, even if this love is divided.
the Movies have charged, the bulk of it is in this vein, the glorification of suffering in the name of love and from love.
the man with the childhood absorbs in itself all of these patterns of behavior. They become the subconscious programs and define his life.
Sacrificial behavior is frowned upon not only by society but also religion, and, often, their own desires, Express itself, and love of self are identified with selfishness.
Growing up with a distorted perception of love, of love, of approval for the good things, the right emotions and personality, a person is looking for someone who will approve of his behavior. He was exactly what he understands love. And for the sake of approval, he again sacrifices a portion of himself.
But he suffers because the faces are not show that they are preserved inside.
And he finds one in whom these qualities and emotions are there who allow themselves to Express them freely. He admires this and at the same time, in the same way as the parents do not approve of this manifestation. And this internal conflict intensifies his suffering.
At the same time, people can not abandon these relations, because it compensates for their own undeveloped shadow side. These relationships – become an extension of himself.
And so:
"... Without you I'm not..."
"... I miss you..."
"... I'll die without you..."
"... You're my love, my joy, my life..." etc.
so appear and manifest co-dependent relationships.
How to leave a codependent relationship?
out of this relationship or transfer them to a new level, a person can only accept yourself with all your shadow aspects, to learn to love ourselves unconditionally.
For this, you need to see what the "favorite" in the most annoying and take it in.
Allow yourself to be yourself:
- to manifest that hidden that hidden inside
- - want to do something what you want
- - to unsubscribe from other people's approval
- - to make mistakes
- to love yourself unconditionally
All this provides its own integrity and then there will be no need to plug holes of their suffering, the holes of your dissatisfaction with yourself and your life, other people.
Understanding how to love another person comes only through understanding and acceptance of self-love.
After all, in the religious commandments, too, about this: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Is that first know love for yourself and love your neighbor.
a Harmonious relationship – a relationship filled with respect and love to yourself and to your partner, it is the ratio of two integral people.
I wish you joy of harmonious relationships.
With love, Galina Suslin