that's what parents are often unable or afraid to say.
This is what you need to say to help yourself and your child.
This is the hardest given.
And that's just three simple installation.
setting the No. 1"It happened. It forever. You can do nothing to help us or hinder. No matter what you did."
the First thing you usually want the child to say, "Mom, dad, don't get divorced, I want you to live together." The child wants to glue everything back, I want to influence the parents. However, children have no power over the decisions of parents. Adult do not ask children to divorce or not. Adult make a decision together or every man for himself, and the children put before the fact. Children do not participate in the decision. It is not their business. Their opinion doesn't matter. And well, if understand all this.
If the parents will allow the child to fall into the illusion that he participates in the decision whether to save the marriage, start a serious problem. Below I will list some of the options that we face in the practice of counseling families experiencing divorce, as well as adults who as a child experienced parental divorce.
– the Child begins to hurt. Because we decided that way he can keep the parents around them (this means that they will be next to each other). Control others using their own disease is a very bad life strategy.
– the Child begins to believe that he is now a chief in the family. He does not listen, a lot naughty and trying to establish their own rules. He becomes demanding and uncooperative. These children often have problems with boundaries and discipline, they can not take into account the interests of other people. Such children can dictate to parents whether they should seek a new pair who to see and who not. There are problems with the adoption of the new partner's child. There are problems with the adoption of the new children that have been delivered without his approval.
– the Child thinks he's responsible for the divorce of his parents that he "had to do something" and failed. So he makes himself a guilt complex for life. Feels guilty for anything. Can not distinguish where is his fault, and where not. Easily becomes the victim of manipulation.
– the Child thinks he now needs everything and everyone to be controlled, otherwise again there will be something terrible (terrible as parents ' divorce). Such people find it difficult to build relationships with others, including with parents who don't like what the child is trying to control them. For obvious reasons, these people have a problem with building one's own family.
– the Child becomes flush with the adults and trying to establish the family system "replacing" a spouse. That is, assumes the function of the wife or husband. It is also fraught with problems ranging from disorders of sexual identification (when the girl wants to become an exemplary husband for the unhappy mother, for example) and inability to create a family (when a boy wants to become a better husband for mom).
For the same reasons, if a child says something like "that's right, divorce, long overdue, and I really want to, you are divorced", we too carefully, but inevitably eliminate it from the decision-making. We tell him that the deal we're going to be without him. It was not his business. He is not involved. It is only for two adults, no one else. When we decide, we will put it before the fact.
the Child in any case should not think that he decides to divorce her parents or not, where and with whom they will live, whether they give birth to other children. Parents in any case should not ask the child Council to divorce or not to criticize each other in front of the kids and even to request to evaluate the actions of the other parent, and especially to take the children into a coalition against the second partner. This is an attempt to drag the child into the conflict, to put him in the position of the adult, while his task is to be a child and a neutral party.
the Child does not solve financial, housing and other adults questions, which he had not yet competent. On the division of property, alimony and other details of the parents agree the two of us, not making children brain without involving children. I just saw the little boy starts to go to the roof when his mother asks:
– Daddy-the us does not pay child support. How are we going to live with you? What are we going to eat?
Although she pursues other goals, the child begins to sincerely think that he now needs to solve the problem of money. As well as really do with this, he can not do anything, so either he falls into guilt and despair with the feeling that they are mother right now you die of starvation or loses contact with reality, that was not so scary.
Setting number 2"it's not your fault. It's not because you were bad. It is only our decision. This is our adult things."
the Second follows from the first. There are adult things and there are children's. Baby is playing with toys and then collect them to draw and sculpt from clay, go to school, help my mother to wash the dishes. Adults, for example, where we live, where we live, how we have children and from whom. We don't always allow children in our adult work, nor do we always let the kids in our bedroom.
We take the responsibility to make decisions regarding adult matters. We do not consult with children in what they are incompetent. If something went wrong, we are eliminating the problem without involving children.
Marriage is a Union of two adults. The child in the creation of marriage and divorce is not involved in any way. He does not take decisions and does not have any power in this matter. He has no right to vote, no matter how many years he may be. If children take part in marriage, it means parents are not doing their responsibility. Once a child has no power and he doesn't accept, then his guilt in a bad relationship of their parents, or divorce, there can not be.
unfortunately, the most common problem in children of divorced parents that they take responsibility for the fact that the parents broke up. You do not even need to blame child. Children are self-centered. Up to a certain age they sincerely believe that the whole world revolves around them. Everything happens because of them, everything has them. If the child does not say directly that his guilt in the divorce no, he can fantasize anything you want.
No need to wait until the kids come up with their interpretation of what is happening, you don't like them. It is important that adults took the initiative and explained how to treat the divorce.
Setting No. 3"We're divorcing each other, but not divorce you. I'll let you love and mom and dad."
As mentioned above, the child did not participate in the construction of marriage, the child is not involved in the divorce. Who would where he lived after the divorce, the child remains dad and mom and also grandparents, aunts, uncles and all other relatives on both sides. Wife loses husband, husband loses his wife, but the child does not lose parents and parents lose a child.
the Children made half of mom and half from dad. The loss of a parent for a child is like losing half of yourself. Children it is extremely important to feel that they are good not half, but fully. Yes, parents no longer love each other. But the children they love still. And children still love them. So no matter how offended or angry at each other, parents for children, they should say so:
– my father (mother) loved each other, and now no longer love. But we still love you. And I allow you to love Papa (Mama).
When one parent speaks badly about the other, in his/her make, he can't accept their children. Bad, if the child in favor of one of the parents does not accept the second. So he refuses to half itself. So he doesn't take himself. It is a heavy sacrifice, it is bad for the rest of their lives. The child should not be in conflict with himself inside. It will not lead to anything good.
it's bad when one parent tries to take children into a coalition against the former partner. So he introduces the child to the role of the adult and has everything listed in the first part of the problem from disobedience to attempts by children to "replace" an absent parent. In addition, when children grow up, they are extremely unhappy that they were used as weapons in the fight against dad/mom and blame it on the paddle. When (usually in adolescence) the child understands that it was used and forced to give up part of yourself in this family have serious problems.
In conclusion say that these three things are necessary to tell more than once. Most likely will have to talk about it many times, different words having the same thoughts. Do not expect that the child will remember the first time unusual idea, so repeat 5-7 times – this is normal.
Some of these thoughts may seem categorical. That's good. Remember them that way. There are instances where it is necessary to insist on and to be sure, even against the opinions of others. This allows you to separate healthy installation of neurotic and show their opinion clearly and openly, as the situation requires.
If any of this is a protest, find the strength to go to a psychologist. Of course, in one article it is impossible to describe all the nuances, and in a personal meeting with a specialist will be able to give you advice exactly for your situation.
take Care of yourself and children!
Alexander Musikhin
Psychologist, psychotherapist, writer
www.alexandrmusihin/blog
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