run, Run, run away from him. To quickly leave in the bag the Essentials. And run. Run. To the mother. A friend. To hell. Fuck. To hell to hell. In this hostel. To the station. Under the bridge. In the trash. Anywhere. But to escape. From him. Away. Because unbearable. Anywhere has to be better than him.
It is a conscious informed decision. It will not work. You're not going to let him go. It causes too much pain. Too bad he treats you. You thought and decided. You go. Once and for all. This is your final decision.
You write a note. Or text. Or in messenger. Or letter. Or a phone call. Or burst into the room and triumphantly declare, you go! Run away! Right now! It's all over! Once and for all! He lost you!..
When the words are written. Or said. Or Wikiquote. It's easier for you. You did it. Are you done with these tortures. And you feel Schadenfreude. Haha, now he, poimeet.
...in a minute. Or in an hour. Or every other day. You suddenly get scared. Is this true? Is it all really over? Don't "we"? Do you now itself? But there will be those "good morning" and "Goodnight", these arms, these conversations over tea, but even these scandals on the weekends. All of the difficulties that you overcame together. Yes, and thank God, that will not happen. Will find someone less problematic. But you're already so used to...
...It was a conscious and informed decision to leave... to Reject him. To hurt him. Let him suffer without you...
...And now is unconscious and a strange, but very anxious, you begin to notice: you have written, said, shouted all of this that he stopped you. To not let you go. To squeezed in his arms. And will not let go.
You wanted to feel needed. Need him. You're running something just because don't feel need.
And now you sit there and not believe in what is reality. It's all over. Truly over. You really want to think that it's not real, what is this "draft" that you can rewrite that this is just a badly played piece that can be replayed. You wait, he'll come after you and everything will be as before. That can't be it. Everything goes.
You fall asleep. And when you Wake up, don't you remember that yesterday did. Even with your eyes closed you habitually stretch hand to hug him. Or reaching for the phone to read it "good morning". But it's not there. There is a void.
And you remember... as I Recall, ran away yesterday... And you have no idea why?! Because everything was so good, why did you break up with him?!
Now you understand that you need it. Need more life. It is not so important, do you need it. The important thing is that you need it!
And you're going to put up, to apologize, to beg.
Yes! He agrees! Yes! Yes! Yes! You rejoice! But stew in his guilt. In his infinite shame. How could you do this to him? So cowardly to run away from him? But now you all understand! Now you will be meek, obedient, not going to pester his tantrums. And of course, never, never go!..
a week Passes. He again does not come to the dinner. Again not answering his texts. Again sullen and tired, not talking to you.
again You know, I feel with all my heart that you don't need him!.. It's like you twist in a meat grinder. Like a pack of mad wolves ripping you apart. As if some terrible tornado sucking in your gut... And you can't take it anymore!
Escape! Run! Run!
***
once upon a time you feel and understand that you don't need the most important person in your life. You were maybe about five. Maybe less or more. And now you, maybe, already do not remember. But then you felt this pain from grinder, from wolves, from a tornado... And now the pain haunts you. Any hint that you don't need, causing that pain again. And it is impossible to cope with it. Really want to escape. Pain. And who or what causes it. I want to make this someone you also become not needed. And that he felt it sucks to be unnecessary. But it's impossible. Once again impossible. He suddenly turns to you prohibitively need.
***
It drains.
But there is a solution.
it is Possible to live this pain. To be healed from endless feelings of loneliness, of abandonment, of being rejected, and abandoned. To regain its value and importance. Choose close in the circle of those who really appreciate. Safely withdraw from contact with those who are not capable of intimacy. To regain the love for yourself. And not to collapse if someone manifests a rejection.
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the Images of characters collectively, the coincidences are accidental.
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Source images - deviantart.