Many of you have probably at least once in life, faced with such a situation, when you are entering into a relationship with the person, whether man or your friend who can't part with “villain”, whether their husband,wife,girlfriend etc. You are trying hard to convey to people that it's time and he assures you that agree with you and that you need it, but time passes and the situation doesn't move from a dead point. These games are not only our friends, partners, and sometimes parents, bosses, friends etc. the Story of this game is similar to the scheme described by Karpman (Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer). But it's not that you don't get what it wants, and the man continues to complain about you not wanting to stop other relationships, not that you feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, depressed, and that you only HELP this RELATIONSHIP to KEEP. That is why you - not the extra person for a partner, not only in the sense of how you would like. And the question is to be sufficiently selfish and not to take on other people's problems that you cannot solve, and most importantly-they do not need.Your goal is to"save" partner, his goal is to preserve the relationship with the other person.
It really is a phenomenon. How mistress can help save the family and as a girl who against the fact that her friend deals with unpleasant to her man (boyfriend or friend) help these people to further unite and eventually to send all their negativity on you?
Everyone lives in accordance with its principles, attitudes that were formed yesterday. In rare cases, a person realizes that he is doing something wrong, and trying to find a real help in the form of someone's advice or psychotherapy. But most people prefer to carry something or someone with whom he could he could get what he lacks from the main partner (as a married man) and, if anything, to devalue this man, when he starts to show its rights to demand return, to wonder why he and she still in this relationship. The answer is one: because it wants to. Because it is convenient, profitable, there is attachment, there is something in common, etc. i.e. in such a relationship, the Rescuer is always in the role of Used person. This does not mean that your partner is not taking advantage of the other with whom he lives, who he values more than you. But in any case, you are now on the sidelines and likely will stay there. Hence the drop in self-esteem, strengthening faith in their futility, etc.
Because such relations are not only the classic “victims”. The reasons can be many: lack of relevant experience, "hormonal explosion," developed sense of empathy, etc. So how do you determine whether it makes sense to someone “help”, to understand other people's problems or to limit the expression of their opinions (if asked) and move aside?
the Most striking marker is the time factor. Ie if a person, no matter whether it your friend, relative, male friend long enough is some sort of relationship-it's his choice. And it's not your cross, even if you don't understand why he does it, even if you want to be with him-it's his life, or rather a significant part of life that characterizes him as a person.
to Learn healthy selfishness is never too late. Its main feature-the understanding that all people are different, each has his own world, and of course if we are not satisfied with our family, friends, etc. situation-we want to be listened to, supported, etc. But you need to understand that if you do, in any case not for a person to be rated, so he broke up with his partner, and not because you want to save it, but just because you care for him. Do not try to live his life and taking on problems that, a priori, you can't solve.
Very important to be able to distinguish when someone really needs help,and you do, and when people are just trying to use you. Because you and him had different goals and he is with you insincere. To avoid unnecessary disappointments, self-esteem issues, you need again to learn to love yourself and be with those you really need and for whom will always come first.
